Typically, at around 18, newly graduated “adults” head off to college or Europe or wherever on their quest to “find themselves.” Although most of us don’t seem to really find ourselves until much later in life, the seeds tend to be planted at this time. Lately, I am either attracting or more keenly aware of these people who have not yet found themselves. In essence, they are empty vessels who are seeking to be filled by anything or anyone.
If I had to hazard a guess, I would say most empty people walking around suffer from a lack of self-confidence, codependence, and depression. They are fearful of the world around them and tie their identities to others. But, if you never know who you are as a person, how can you truly be in a relationship with anyone else? I don’t care if it’s a friend, lover, or business partner; you need to be your own person.
When these people are not in relationships, they appear to be angry. They lash out. Everything is about them and everyone is against them. They don’t have any security within themselves, so everything else has to be about them, right? Everyone’s out to get them. It’s a sad, lonely existence. Perhaps getting into a relationship to find identity there is the only way these empty people can feel whole – at least momentarily.
Once upon a time, we used to call these types “fixer-uppers.” In relationships, there was typically a fixer and one who needed to be fixed. The problem, however, is that once the “broken” person is fixed, s/he asks him/herself who s/he really is – and often realizes it’s not the person after whom s/he has been modeling for so long. Then come the feelings of true – although often short-lived – identity. “I am not the person you think I am! I am my own person! You can’t accept me for who I am!”
Famke Janssen & Patrick Stewart in "The Perfect Mate"
The best example of this I can muster is an episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation (“The Perfect Mate”) in which the Enterprise is transporting an empathic metamorph, who bonds with Picard. She has learned everything in her life to be for her mate. “I am for you, Alrik of Valt,” is her mantra – and she is. She is not for herself. That is who these empty vessels are; they want so much to make others happy that they sacrifice themselves in the process.
The tragedy is that she bonds with Picard – yet is betrothed to another. She says that, since she is an empath, her husband will never know, but how can she be happy in that relationship? If she had created her own identity, outside of a potential partner, she could always rely on herself while providing so much more depth to the relationship.
The problem with being for someone else is that, while it’s flattering to have another human being want to be all things to you, it gets old – for everyone. How can one person take full responsibility for another’s happiness? It’s not possible. Eventually, the person who is not true to him/herself will be frustrated that the other person is not as appreciative of the efforts as s/he might think is appropriate. The other half of the partnership will feel the burden of having a partner who must be supported and built up to find him/herself. It’s a lose-lose situation.
To create a successful relationship of any kind, both parties need to be complete and whole within themselves. It’s enough work to keep ourselves happy, much less to have to worry about how our loved ones and business associates are doing. Until the empty vessel is filled, however, s/he will continue to be on a quest for the proper “Kool-aid” to make him/her feel whole.
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Dating is a pain in the ass. I’m not good at it. I’m pretty sure I never was. Now, I find myself out there in the dating world again, after a very long break. My priorities have shifted drastically from the last time I was looking, back in 2005. At that point, I wanted to get married and have a child, yet I was looking for a few different things, throwing caution to the wind. Now that I have a child, my perspective is different. Finding a boy toy isn’t even an option for me. Instead, I am looking for a responsible partner with whom I can have fun with no pressures to settle down—although I also don’t want to play the field.
I’m guessing that, like most people, you’ve probably chosen a new person because s/he reminded you of your ex. It may not have been conscious, but you did it. Perhaps you didn’t even realize you picked a certain “type” until years later. Then, with the 20/20 of hindsight, you saw everything clearly and were amazed at what you saw.
