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Grow up – and shut up

  • May 9, 2010 at 6:22 pm

There comes a time when we learn that the world isn’t all about us. Our parents try to instill that idea in us through many tactics. For instance, today Patrick went to a birthday party, and yesterday we went out to buy his little friend a present. Patrick’s favorite thing right now is Iron Man, so he gravitated toward those items during our trip to Wal-Mart (I know; I’m not a big Wally World fan, but it’s so inexpensive!). I had to remind him a couple of times that we were looking for N, not him. He got it and picked out Connect Four, a cute card, and some Spider-Man stickers (N’s favorite).

Sometimes, though, these lessons from our childhood escape us. I know that one of my things is that, like Iron Man, I’m a bit narcissistic. I like to talk about myself. In fact, when I talk to my friend C nearly daily, I routinely monopolize the first 5-10 minutes of the conversation and then have to stop myself to say, “Okay, I’ve talked enough. How are you?” Like GI Joe said, “Knowing is half the battle,” so at least I know I talk about myself a lot.

This weekend, while hanging out with my friend R, I really, really wanted to have the conversation be all about me – but I couldn’t. He was sharing some personal information that I knew was hard for him to bring to light and, as a good, caring friend, I needed to be there 100% and listen. I had to shut up and offer empathy and genuine concern (which I had, of course; I wasn’t faking). I didn’t get an opportunity to share my thoughts on what he had told me or to ask all of the heartfelt questions I had about, well, me … but that’s not what R needed. At that point, I needed to be a good friend and remember that our time was about him, not me.

On Mothers Day, when we honor our moms for being there for us, I am reminded that I need to always take into consideration other people’s feelings and thoughts and be there for them. It doesn’t necessarily mean I need to put other people first, but I do need to be present during conversations – with my son or others – and really appreciate them. As human beings, we classify good friends as those who listen to us and provide great feedback – and that’s the person I want to be.

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Two tattoos and a navel ring

  • April 3, 2010 at 7:16 am

I’ll admit that I’m a bit of an exhibitionist. I’ve always loved the shock value. 15 years ago, when I was a nanny and worked part time at The Disney Store, my colleagues there called me the “X-rated Mary Poppins.” My friends know my pool is clothing-optional, I’ll talk about all the taboo topics in mixed company, and I love to dress up in the least amount I can for themed parties.

The issue with that is how I look on the outside. A couple of years ago, as my marriage was ending, I thought it might be a good idea to visit a counselor myself to see what I might need to work on. I went to the appointment dressed business casual, as I am most weekdays I’m not wearing my work costume, and started to share a bit about myself. Unfortunately, my insurance carrier had matched me with possibly the most judgmental counselor on the face of the earth, who immediately said, “But you don’t look like you’re into that kind of stuff. You look so innocent.”

Needless to say, I did not return to see Mr. Stuffy Pants.

The important lesson I learned in all of this is the perception on the other side. See, the truth is I AM innocent. I have high morals and values, I’m a good mother to my son, and I don’t do anything of which I would be ashamed to tell Patrick when I go to any of these events. But, when people hear about them, often they jump to conclusions. This is especially true for men.

As a child, I moved around a lot. I went to 12 schools between kindergarten and graduation. So, long-term repercussions of my actions didn’t really occur to me. No matter, I thought, I can move. That feeling permeated my thinking for many years – until recently. I’ve been in Arizona since 2000 and in Phoenix since 2005. The friends I have now are, for the most part, the friends I made when I moved to town and/or started my business. I was protected through my marriage for a while, so regardless where I went or what pictures I deemed “necessary” to show off, people knew I was married and speculation ended there. Then I got divorced and started dating.

Seems that when men see a picture of an attractive woman in a costume that doesn’t cover much, they start to make assumptions. Of course, those assumptions benefit their way of thinking and certainly not the reputation of the young woman. A few mixed signals later, and I realized I was at the cause of those perceptions – just because of my tendency to shock and be an exhibitionist.

So now I don’t lead with, “Hey, I have two tattoos, a navel ring, and I have attended Fetish events in the past.” First, most people have a category for people who do such things, and I don’t like the company. Second, that’s not really a good summation of who I am. And, as we all know, people remember the shock value and forget most everything else.

The truth is that I am open-minded, loving, thoughtful, and have a lot of opinions that differ from the mainstream, but as Meryn Cadell’s “The Sweater” reminds us: “Different is not what you’re looking for.” At first glance, people want to meet their mirror reflections or, at the most, someone who is only slightly off the track they’re on. Someone who is perceived to be way out there is someone who will be categorized and shunned. So, although those things are certainly a part of who I am, I don’t lead with them anymore. I wait now until a base relationship has been established to spring that stuff on them. Then I seem eccentric.

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Do you “need” your partner?

  • March 26, 2010 at 4:28 pm

Do you ever notice that songs sometimes seem to be speaking just to you? I feel like that from time to time, and this morning one got to me. I was listening to my iPhone while I was getting ready for work and Train’s “Hopeless” came on. I love Train, but I’m pretty sure I had not really heard the song before. If I had, I surely hadn’t been listening. The song, sung from a man’s perspective, says that the woman needs no one. That got me thinking. Since feminism sprouted in the 70s, women have been told not to need a man. “We can do it ourselves!” is the mantra. Unfortunately, men want to feel needed in a relationship. They crave it; it makes them feel whole and loved.

I know this firsthand. I never wanted to need anyone. I felt that was somehow admitting defeat. Instead, I presented myself as independent and self-sufficient. My choice was to run when things got tough. After all, I didn’t need my partner, did I? Why not get the hell out of there? Even my ex-husband told me at one point, “You’re a rock; you don’t need anyone.” I will never forget where I was or how I felt when he told me that. I wasn’t that person – not by a long shot – but that’s the story I was telling him – and anyone else who would listen. He had every reason to think that about me because I had sold him a bill of goods.

I’ve learned that it’s not weak to need someone or something. In my quest to become vulnerable, I ride a fine line between being an independent single mom and business owner while remaining open to having a partner in my life. I will admit that, while I can certainly survive without one, once that partner appears, I will need him to stay. It’s not easy to say that, let me tell you, but I know it’s a huge part of what a man has to hear to be completely immersed in a relationship. Their genetic makeup tells them they have to take care of their women. If she won’t let him, he feels as if he’s failed. Another poignant memory for me is when an ex told me he hated that I said another male friend from high school was my best friend: “I’m your boyfriend. I want to be your best friend.” Translation: he wanted to feel needed and he didn’t.

Women, are you making the men in your life feel as if they’re the center of your world? I guarantee you that if you let down your guard a bit, the rewards will be unlimited. He will reciprocate by putting you on a pedestal and ensuring that you are well taken care of. Damn feminism; it really is screwing up with the male-female dynamic.

Here’s the aforementioned song. Take a listen and see if you can relate.

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