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Welcome Home, Little Girl

  • July 18, 2011 at 9:12 am

Me, 1974: Age 3

It seems odd to say that I’ve been working in recent years to become more feminine; after all, I am a female. However, I have always exhibited many more stereotypical male traits, and softening the edges is a journey. Although journeys in life are hardly ever completed, I hesitate to say I am here. I feel more like a “girl” today than I think I ever have in my life.

I think the awakening came recently when a few people called me pretty, even beautiful. The little girl inside me squealed with delight at those words. See, my parents never really doted on me in that way; instead, I was called “thunder thighs” and got the message I was never good enough. Although I moved past that many years ago, the little girl inside me is still there, and she is eager for praise.

I’ve also recently been wearing more “girly” clothes, even heels. I used to dress more business professional back in Western NY, but AZ is so casual that for many years my wardrobe has consisted of jeans and stretchy, comfortable clothes. I’m slowly expanding my horizons to include heels, form-fitting dresses, and clothes that showcase my figure, which I think is pretty nice.

While I read romantic fiction in my teens, I gave that up because I believed the fantasy couldn’t come true. Now, though, I am reading Nicholas Sparks’ The Choice and finding myself engrossed. Who am I to say fantasies cannot come true? There’s no rule that I cannot believe in achieving a happily ever after while still staying grounded in my day-to-day life.

That little girl is back, and I am happy to welcome her. I am comfortable with being feminine and enjoying all of the perks that come with being a woman. And I am still balancing that with the necessity of being a single mom and business owner—and I am loving both sides of it. I am proud to be a well rounded, complete human being who embodies all of the great traits I have.

And a decent dose of humor and sarcasm certainly helps to brighten the picture.

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What is intimacy?

  • March 5, 2011 at 4:54 pm

The other evening, I rewatched Kevin Smith’s iconic classic Clerks. I have seen this movie a number of times, and each time I am perplexed by one of the key quotables in the movie surrounding the number 37. It’s definitely a funny scene, but it’s so much more than that to me. If you haven’t seen it, this couple is dating and he finds out that she’s only slept with three people but has had oral encounters with 37 guys (R-rated clip above). Her rationalization is that she “went down on a few people, but I only had sex with the guys I loved.” He’s furious, which I completely understand. My question is: Which is more intimate—oral sex or intercourse?

I’m a rare duck; I didn’t even engage in oral relations until after my first marriage ended, when I was 26. Granted, I didn’t lose my virginity until I was 18 and I didn’t have a depth of experience going into my marriage, but that task was not on my to-do list. I think it was a combination of fear with a heavy dose of Madonna-whore complex…but I digress.

Maybe that’s why I feel like oral makes one more exposed. It’s intimate on a level I don’t think intercourse is. Sex can happen without kissing or even looking at each other. It’s a transaction, in a sense. Also, you don’t have to give to the other person at all; it can really be all about you.

Oral is all about giving to the other person. To me, that is what intimacy is about. It’s about being naked (physically and emotionally) and giving without expectations. Isn’t that what you’re doing when you’re engaging in oral sex? I mean, really, what pleasure does one get out of giving it? I know there will be people who say they enjoy the act (usually men), but I think they enjoy the power over the other person. And that means they care about the other person. At least in my book.

If I’m going there with a man, it’s because I have a connection with him. It doesn’t mean I have to be in love or anything, but it has to be more than a casual one-night stand. I may be in the minority on this and completely going out on a limb (in addition to heading way off the PG track this blog usually follows), but that’s my take on it. I’d love to hear yours.

 

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Part of the Herd: Resolution #1

  • January 2, 2011 at 9:13 am

Just like most Americans, I am evaluating my life and starting anew in 2011. In actuality, I create new goals and such all the time, but this just made sense for me to get back in shape in 2011. I’ll be 40 at the end of this month, and I want to be back to a size 4—and stay there. No more excuses about being a bit older, blah, blah, blah. I lost weight before, after Patrick was born, and I know I can do it again.

My preferred method of attack is the “5-Factor” diet and exercise plan, as outlined by trainer-to-the-stars Harley Pasternak. It’s actually incredibly easy to follow because you only have to work out 25 minutes a day five days a week and eat five meals daily. One day a week is the “cheat” day, so you can eat whatever the hell you want on that day. When I was diligent with both eating and exercising, my stats in November 2007 were 122.5, 28% BFP and measurements of 34, 27, 37. Right now, I’m starting at 136.5, 32% BFP and measurements of 35.5, 29, 40.5 (you can see where I retain the weight!). My goal is to be 115-125, based on how comfortable I feel and look.

It’s a little more challenging to follow any diet plan as a vegetarian and wannabe vegan, but this plan includes quite a lot of vegetarian “meats” since they provide protein while being lower in fat. Also, each book has a few different options. I only have 5-Factor Fitness at the moment, but I’m going to pick up 5-Factor Diet and 5-Factor World Diet to see what other meals he suggests. Basically, the idea is to always include a good carb, protein, fat, fiber, and sugar-free beverage (read “water”). The protein is the kicker for me, but there are many plant-based ideas at Whole Foods, thankfully.

So, I’m gearing up my menu for a trip to the store, and I’m copying the fitness plan again so I actually follow it. I’ll track my progress so I can be in superhero shape in five weeks!

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Confessions of a worrywart

  • December 2, 2010 at 8:12 am

One thing I’m really good at—or bad about, depending on your perspective—is worrying. I worry about things that will happen, that might happen, and that will never happen. Worrying keeps me awake at night and haunts my days. In fact, as a teenager, I nearly developed an ulcer with all my worrying.

When I was a kid, my stepfather gave me some sage advice about worrying. “Can you change it?” he asked. In that case, my answer was, “No.” His smart reply? “Then stop worrying about it.”

That helped for a bit, especially since those worrisome events of an adolescent really aren’t that big of a deal in the grand scheme of things. But now I’m an adult, a mom, and a business owner. I have big issues.

In Landmark Education, one saying is that, in order to live big, you have to have big problems. I must be living an extraordinarily large life, in that case. My worries are not about forgetting to take out the trash; I worry about providing my son with a memorable holiday season or maintaining my home and car as my business falters.

In those times when I am most troubled by the “what if” scenarios that play in my head, I take a deep breath and continue to practice gratitude. I am thankful for what I have, even if I long for much more. I am so very grateful for the people in my life, most of whom provide support and answers when I have big questions I cannot handle alone. Although those things don’t make the worry disappear, they do make it much more bearable and put things into better perspective.

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Angry People Suck

  • November 22, 2010 at 4:24 pm

What is it with angry people? It seems that they’re everywhere. From my perspective, life is way too short to be so unhappy (yes, in my mind, angry = unhappy), so why are these people wasting their lives?

Anger and unhappiness can come from many places, I’ve found, but I think the most pervasive is lack of self-confidence. Many angry people don’t feel good about themselves, so how dare the rest of us be happy! I don’t know about you, but I run into unhappy people all the time. My ex-husband, the customer at the bank, drivers on the road…everyone seems to be wasting their time with so much ire.

Barenaked Ladies have a good song about “Angry People” and in it they suggest that angry folks want the rest of us to be angry. I don’t disagree. It’s like their black cloud needs to envelope everyone else in the world, but why?

I’m not saying that happy people don’t ever get unhappy or angry; I’m as guilty as the next person out there in that regard. However, I don’t live in a world of anger. Most days I am extremely happy. I have a job I love, a son I adore, great friends, and I want for little in my life (yes, more money is always appreciated, but I digress). Why would I waste my energy with anger?

I wish I knew how to transform all of those angry people into happy people. It would be even better if we could figure out the origin of those bad feelings and nip them in the bud. Are they angry at themselves and just push it off on others? Are they afraid? I know when I’ve been angry, it’s usually been because things haven’t gone my way. Is that the core of all anger?

Emotions are a funny thing, and our age of digital communication probably doesn’t help to get across the right point in our conversations. Just today, I noticed that my ex had some odd scheduling on our parenting calendar, so I sent him an e-mail asking if I could switch things around. My approach with him is always as it should be: he is my son’s father. I have no anger toward him at all (Of course, I did at first; I wasn’t getting my way if he left!), but his responses to me always feel as if they’re dripping with hatred. Why have so much negativity? His girlfriend shares a similar feeling, and I don’t understand it at all. How are they so angry with me, when I’ve done nothing to incur this wrath?

Perhaps I’m in the minority here and most people aren’t as happy as I am. Maybe they all hold grudges, hate people, and generally walk around in a fog of anger. I hope not, because that’s not a world in which I want my son to live—because he certainly isn’t angry.

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RIP, navel ring

  • October 20, 2010 at 11:31 am

After five years of struggling with my navel ring and trying to get it to heal, my body finally rejected it this morning. Literally, it just fell out of my skin with a tiny pull, like a very loose tooth. Perhaps it’s the end of an era.

I got my navel ring in 2005, shortly after I started dating my ex-husband. It wasn’t planned. I went to a piercing store as an event with some friends and decided a navel ring would be a good idea. I chose silver with garnets, my birthstone. Within a few months, though, I found out I was pregnant, so I had the ring removed during the pregnancy. Then, after I’d lost a chunk of the weight, I got the hole re-pierced in late 2006.

Since then, I’ve had nothing but challenges with the piercing. It’s been red, pussy, and just never healed. I couldn’t figure out how to get the ring out (still can’t get it open), so I just kept it in there and tried to leave it alone as much as possible. Since yesterday, it’s been so close to the surface of the skin that I could see the silver all the way through. After a hike this morning with Patrick, I looked at it and thought, “I can probably just pull it out. It’s only hanging on by a thread of skin.” So I did.

If I believed in symbolism, I might say this signifies that my life that started with getting the piercing is truly in the past. Or I could just say that my body doesn’t much agree with navel rings. Either way, I have this awesome ring and no hole in which to wear it. Odd.

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