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Welcome Home, Little Girl

  • July 18, 2011 at 9:12 am

Me, 1974: Age 3

It seems odd to say that I’ve been working in recent years to become more feminine; after all, I am a female. However, I have always exhibited many more stereotypical male traits, and softening the edges is a journey. Although journeys in life are hardly ever completed, I hesitate to say I am here. I feel more like a “girl” today than I think I ever have in my life.

I think the awakening came recently when a few people called me pretty, even beautiful. The little girl inside me squealed with delight at those words. See, my parents never really doted on me in that way; instead, I was called “thunder thighs” and got the message I was never good enough. Although I moved past that many years ago, the little girl inside me is still there, and she is eager for praise.

I’ve also recently been wearing more “girly” clothes, even heels. I used to dress more business professional back in Western NY, but AZ is so casual that for many years my wardrobe has consisted of jeans and stretchy, comfortable clothes. I’m slowly expanding my horizons to include heels, form-fitting dresses, and clothes that showcase my figure, which I think is pretty nice.

While I read romantic fiction in my teens, I gave that up because I believed the fantasy couldn’t come true. Now, though, I am reading Nicholas Sparks’ The Choice and finding myself engrossed. Who am I to say fantasies cannot come true? There’s no rule that I cannot believe in achieving a happily ever after while still staying grounded in my day-to-day life.

That little girl is back, and I am happy to welcome her. I am comfortable with being feminine and enjoying all of the perks that come with being a woman. And I am still balancing that with the necessity of being a single mom and business owner—and I am loving both sides of it. I am proud to be a well rounded, complete human being who embodies all of the great traits I have.

And a decent dose of humor and sarcasm certainly helps to brighten the picture.

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Please Me!…Please?

  • January 19, 2011 at 7:14 am

I have completed reading The 5 Love Languages, and I even took the profile test to see which language is mine. It’s a close tie between “acts of service” and “words of affirmation.” I think the former is more because I have a strong desire to feel safe and cared for in a relationship. The latter is pretty self-evident.

It’s interesting to trace the origins of these love languages. As Gary Chapman says in his book, our styles began in childhood. Either it was the way we were shown love, or we missed it so much that we desire it now. I can totally see that. When I was a kid, I was pretty much on my own. I was an only child with a self-obsessed father and a bipolar mother. They did the best they could with what they had (I don’t have any ill feelings), but I definitely was lacking in some things. I had to take care of myself, from cleaning up after myself to doing my own laundry, making my own appointments, and paying my own bills—all from around the age of eight or ten. That definitely explains why “acts of service” are so important to me.

As for “words of affirmation,” to my mother, nothing was ever good enough. I wasn’t smart enough, skinny enough…you name it. Now, when someone tells me I’m good at something or beautiful or whatever, my heart fills up. Something positive I heard years ago can fuel me even today, and I am often reminded of my ex-husband’s encouragement that I am worth much more in the workplace than I give myself credit. Oh, and I LOVE it when I make clients happy!

Writing this, it would appear that my primary love language is “words of affirmation.” They definitely make me feel good about myself, but since security was so absent for me as a child, “acts of service” help me to feel as if I’m in a lasting relationship.

I’m starting to review how I show love to Patrick through this process, and I have even asked him how he knows I love him (he says because I tell him). The book suggests that we shower our children with love in all of the five areas so they always have a full emotional love tank. I am pretty sure I was doing that before, but I am paying attention to it now. I also watch my language more; I’m cognizant of using more positive words than negative (e.g., “Remember to brush your teeth” as opposed to “Don’t forget to brush your teeth”).

I also am working hard on my relationship with Jeff, my ex-husband. We are linked together for the rest of our lives through Patrick, and there has always been so much animosity. There’s a great section of the book in which a woman who is in a loveless relationship asks, “How can I love someone I hate?” I certainly don’t hate Jeff, but it’s challenging to love someone who puts up so many roadblocks and shows so much anger toward me. So I implemented what the book suggests. Last night, I emailed Jeff and told him I am committed to having a positive relationship with him. I also disclosed that I wasn’t telling him so he’ll feel obligated to reciprocate my kindness; I was telling him because I didn’t want him to think I’m nuts or have an ulterior motive.

While reading the book, I’ve written him a note thanking him for helping me and Patrick one day, and I took him and his fiancée a couple of cupcakes from the batch I made over the weekend. If nothing else, I feel good in my approach and it’s erased any negative feelings I had about him. Let the growth continue!

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Giving Thanks Year ‘Round

  • November 28, 2010 at 7:47 pm

As the Thanksgiving weekend comes to a close, it’s a great time to consider those things for which you’re thankful. For many families, this annual gathering includes going around the table with each diner sharing one thing for which s/he is thankful. But, like most annual events, we practice the ritual once and then forget it. How about practicing being thankful 365 days a year instead of just one?

I have a regular ritual at bedtime, either when I’m alone or with Patrick: we say the things for which we’re thankful. First on each of our lists is each other. Then we go through all of the things most people take for granted: our house, our car, our dog, and our friends. The last thing we mention are the fun things of that day, whether we went to the park or just watched a good movie.

We may not have a lot in our lives, and we would love to have much more, but that doesn’t stop us from being thankful for everything that we have. Parents always battle how they’re going to raise unspoiled children while still providing them with all they need and most they desire. I think that practicing gratitude is one way to do that. Now, I’m not saying Patrick isn’t spoiled, but at least he is appreciative of what he has, and I think that says a lot. Even for an adult, this ritual helps to keep you grounded. It’s a great way to keep Thanksgiving going throughout the year.

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And baby makes three?

  • September 27, 2010 at 10:03 am

I think I have always known I would only have one child. My astrological chart shows three, but that all makes sense now since I’ve had two abortions. Strangely enough, I patterned myself off my mom: a divorced mother of one child. I guess that became a self-fulfilling prophecy!

Then, the other day, Patrick informed me he wants a little brother. Wha…? In the past, he’s always said he didn’t want any siblings. His father made a good point that Patrick knows how good he has it; why would he want to mess that up? So, when Patrick brought this up, I said that wouldn’t happen because I don’t have a man with whom to have a baby. His response? Dad. Oddly, though, he didn’t seem to have grand illusions of Mom and Dad reuniting; he visions the baby having the same parents but just him, me, and the new brother living together.

It’s always interesting to have conversations with four-year-olds because you never know quite what they’ll say or how they’ll rationalize it in their minds. To Patrick, he seems to have accepted that his parents aren’t together (he was two when his dad moved out, so he doesn’t even remember us as a family unit), and in his mind I don’t have a partner. But, of course, that doesn’t preclude the ability to add a sibling to the mix.

It’s always a possibility that Patrick will have a half-sibling from his dad, but I’m done with childbirthing. Not only do I not have a partner, but I’m also nearly 40, which makes the whole procreating issue much more challenging. Anyone have a brother we can borrow for Patrick?

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