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“The Love Dare”: Love is not irritable

  • August 19, 2010 at 8:08 am

Love is hard to offend and quick to forgive. That’s love, of course, not people. I’m sure we’d all like to embody all of the dares of this book in our relationships and life, but the truth is, we’re only human. As humans, life gets in the way. Work, kids, bills . . . everything in our everyday existence combines to make us cranky, short-tempered, and, well, irritable.

Today’s dare is to choose to react to tough circumstances in your marriage with loving ways instead of with irritation. You should make a list of areas where you need to add margin to your schedule and then list any wrong motivations you need to release from your life.

I, for one, have been easily irritated generally, not just in love. A glaring example is my proclivity for dating / marrying men who can’t make decisions. It’s like I set myself up for a fall by being with these fence-sitters. Thanks in large part to my wonderful son, I am gaining considerable patience of late. I also have taken note that, in business interactions, people need time to come to conclusions and they don’t always understand what I’m telling them or my motivation behind it. Their “stupidity” irritates me, but the truth is that they’re not stupid; they may be ignorant of what I’m trying to convey, but that doesn’t mean I can’t take a moment to teach them.

“Being easily angered is an indicator that a hidden area of selfishness or insecurity is present where love is supposed to rule” (p 28). The reason behind that feeling might be lust, bitterness, greed, or pride, among others. Love calms the heart and allows you to take a breath before spouting with anger. It gives you clarity and shines a light on why you chose this partner in the first place.

The next time someone in your life makes your blood boil—even just a little bit—take a moment to breath. Count to 10. Then remember that you love this person and that she or he is probably not trying to annoy you. Try a hug instead of a “look.” It might turn into something extraordinary.

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“The Love Dare”: Love is not selfish

  • August 16, 2010 at 8:33 am

From the moment we exit the womb, we’re centered on ourselves. Where’s the food? What’s all that light and noise? Would someone just take care of me? It’s embedded in our nature that, to survive, we have to put ourselves first. Unfortunately, many people never learn to put others first at some point, leading to numerous relationship issues.

Today’s dare is to buy your spouse something that says, “I was thinking of you today” with the thought that where we put our time, energy, and money becomes more important. This is very much a principle of the Law of Attraction: what we think about magnifies. If we think about ourselves, we get an inflated sense of ego, but if we think about that special someone, our love grows.

As the book points out, selfishness lives in direct opposition to love. Love is caring and giving. If you are giving because it makes you feel good, that too could be a form of selfishness. You need to give of yourself freely, sharing your love, your time, and your energy with this one person you’ve chosen as your partner.

The true benefit of putting your spouse first is that it typically comes back in spades. It’s kind of like the mission of BNI: givers gain. However, if you’re not ready to prioritize a partner—and you’re currently single—stay single. It’s okay to acknowledge times of selfishness, and in those times we need to adjust to accommodate. If you’re in a relationship, perhaps a night a week in which the two of you have some “me” time to re-energize you when you come back together. That may allow you to be more giving when it really matters.

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“The Love Dare”: Love is kind

  • August 7, 2010 at 10:08 am

The saying “You catch more bees with honey….” couldn’t be more true in interpersonal relationships. Kindness should be at the root of your communications and the way in which you relate to everyone—friends, lovers, and strangers alike.

Today’s dare is to complete at least one unexpected gesture of kindness toward your spouse. Patience is preventative, while kindness is proactive. When you are kind, people want to be around you; you’re more agreeable and a welcome presence. The Love Dare breaks kindness down into four base core ingredients: gentleness, helpfulness, willingness, and initiative (p. 6-7). The kind person seeks out opportunities to show love, rather than just saying it. Actions certainly do speak louder than words.

At the beginning of relationships, we put on our “game face” and go out of our way to be nice to the person we’re courting. Unfortunately, though, once the relationship is secure, we tend to take it for granted. We tell our partners what to do, we assume they will provide for us—and we forget to be thankful, ask for assistance, and help them first.

When I was a kid, my mother used to call me out on this at home. She would say, “I wish you would treat me like a stranger; you’re nice to them.” She was right. I didn’t treat her with kindness, and I saw myself doing that later in intimate relationships. “Did you take out the trash? Why haven’t you put away your dishes?” Assumptions are not kind, and they don’t do much to warm up a relationship.

As you go through today, check yourself. Are you kind to the people you encounter? Do you hold the door and say thank you? Remember that honey when in doubt; you may find yourself leaving a positive impression—AND feeling better about yourself.

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If love is a battlefield, sex is the optimal weapon

  • July 18, 2010 at 9:57 am

“Have you considered that you use a sexual front to protect yourself—and ultimately drive away the great man for you?”

Such was the tone of a nearly five-hour conversation last night with my new friend, M. I know that I have in the past used a shock tactic to “test” men and see if they pass (see Two tattoos and a navel ring). I would talk of my short tenure as a topless blackjack dealer, show pictures of me in barely-there costumes, and keep up the sex banter. I have toned that down quite a bit, believe me, because I knew that such an attitude was putting me in a box of “Wow, this girl is easy!” As mentioned in the previous blog, I am none of those things my audience assumed me to be. Sure, I was a topless blackjack dealer, but I think I had one drink, bantered with guests, and left at the end of my shift. I love to wear costumes, but it’s because I’m a bit of an exhibitionist. I barely drink and I never hook up with anyone. I’m typically back in my bed—alone—before midnight. I think like a man, and I find sex and male-female communications very interesting, so I talk about that stuff.

A similar “duh!” moment hit me last week at a networking training class. I’m an extrovert and very social. As such, I offered to network with any of the more wallflowerish types, saying I would happily “pimp them out.” The instructor then asked, “Of those who don’t like to network, who wants to go out with Amanda now?” Not one person raised a hand. In my eagerness to help, I had scared them all away. We are opposites, and I needed to approach the situation more at their level to make a connection.

This is what M pointed out to me last night. I am leading with a sex conversation, but the truth is I’m not looking for sex. I’m looking for a partner. A man who is looking for the same will not respond to the sex conversation because he’s looking for a heart conversation. If he doesn’t know me well—and doesn’t take the time to figure me out—he will make assumptions (really, who wouldn’t?) and run for cover thinking I’m a gold digger, player, or whatever. Of course, that’s not at all my intention and, sadly, one of the biggest reasons I’m single.

So I made a choice last night. Although I cannot change who I am at my core (silly, sexual, and outspoken), I will make a concerted effort to speak from my heart first. Those who know me well know that’s who I am, but I probably don’t already know that great guy for me. I’m going to leave the online sites because I can’t communicate there with men—who judge on looks initially online (like I do)—in the way I need to have them see who I am.

Who am I? I’ll share a little.

  • I love my son more than life itself. Just thinking about him brings a tear to my eye. He’s the center of my world.
  • I like Miley Cyrus. Really. Her music is fun and a guilty pleasure.
  • I have lived all over the world and used to be fluent in German. I love European architecture and miss being there.
  • I cross-stitch. I am a great baker. I like being a wife and taking care of a family.
  • I have an outrageously large collection of Ariels in my house and Wonder Woman at my office.
  • I would love to live in a converted barn in the middle of nowhere.
  • When I’m stressed, a hug from a strong man can take it all away.

On a quest to be feminine and be vulnerable, talking from my heart is a requirement. And it scares the shit out of me.

4 Comments on If love is a battlefield, sex is the optimal weapon

Happiness: Is it live or is it Memorex?

  • May 19, 2010 at 10:32 am

This weekend, a friend and I were talking about the elusiveness of happiness. He has been searching for it, and his belief is that most people who say they’re happy really aren’t. Of course, my next question was, “Do you think I’m really happy?” He said that, yes, he sees me as one of the truly happy people.

That got me thinking. Are most people happy? This friend (R) and I have both gone through Landmark Education, and R is pretty deeply immersed in it. My complaint about that whole system is that they’re selling happiness in a beautiful box with pretty ribbons – but too many people are unable to even grasp the box, let alone open it. Why is that?

If you listen to Landmark, the reason is that most people are living from the past. Things happened, and they’ve built their lives around the stories they’ve created because of those events. For instance, a preschooler gets laughed at for falling and being silly and ends up becoming shy and reserved because people will laugh at him if he’s extroverted. To the uninitiated, this would be akin to “baggage,” which we all have. The question then becomes, how do we deal with that baggage?

Unfortunately, it seems that most people are just “phoning it in.” They aren’t actively involved in the game of life. You know a person like this: he blames his job, spouse, or the weather on his foul mood. He’s the person who doesn’t take control of his life. Happiness is a choice, so why do so few people choose it?

One way to become happier is to start being that person. Just like the Memorex commercials of old, the audience couldn’t tell if the recording was the real deal or not. Others around you won’t be able to tell if you’re pretending to be happy or if you’re really, truly happy. Choose one thing everyday for which you’re grateful – even if it’s just that you got out of bed. Start smiling more. Imagine your life as you want it to be and write down those affirmations daily. Just like any other habit, happiness can be learned. Sure, they’ll be roadblocks along the path, but it’s the way you respond to those obstacles that defines you. Will you let another’s crummy mood make you angry? Or will you accept that she is in charge of her emotions, just like you’re in charge of yours? That difference in perspective is what separates happy folks from everyone else.

Try it; you may just find yourself really enjoying life.

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Grow up – and shut up

  • May 9, 2010 at 6:22 pm

There comes a time when we learn that the world isn’t all about us. Our parents try to instill that idea in us through many tactics. For instance, today Patrick went to a birthday party, and yesterday we went out to buy his little friend a present. Patrick’s favorite thing right now is Iron Man, so he gravitated toward those items during our trip to Wal-Mart (I know; I’m not a big Wally World fan, but it’s so inexpensive!). I had to remind him a couple of times that we were looking for N, not him. He got it and picked out Connect Four, a cute card, and some Spider-Man stickers (N’s favorite).

Sometimes, though, these lessons from our childhood escape us. I know that one of my things is that, like Iron Man, I’m a bit narcissistic. I like to talk about myself. In fact, when I talk to my friend C nearly daily, I routinely monopolize the first 5-10 minutes of the conversation and then have to stop myself to say, “Okay, I’ve talked enough. How are you?” Like GI Joe said, “Knowing is half the battle,” so at least I know I talk about myself a lot.

This weekend, while hanging out with my friend R, I really, really wanted to have the conversation be all about me – but I couldn’t. He was sharing some personal information that I knew was hard for him to bring to light and, as a good, caring friend, I needed to be there 100% and listen. I had to shut up and offer empathy and genuine concern (which I had, of course; I wasn’t faking). I didn’t get an opportunity to share my thoughts on what he had told me or to ask all of the heartfelt questions I had about, well, me … but that’s not what R needed. At that point, I needed to be a good friend and remember that our time was about him, not me.

On Mothers Day, when we honor our moms for being there for us, I am reminded that I need to always take into consideration other people’s feelings and thoughts and be there for them. It doesn’t necessarily mean I need to put other people first, but I do need to be present during conversations – with my son or others – and really appreciate them. As human beings, we classify good friends as those who listen to us and provide great feedback – and that’s the person I want to be.

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There are no winners in a partnership

  • April 14, 2010 at 8:40 pm

JERRY: We all want the hand. Hand is tough to get. You gotta get the hand right from the opening.
…
GEORGE: You can’t break up with me. I’ve got hand.
NOEL: And you’re going to need it.
– From Seinfeld, “The Pez Dispenser”

Tonight, while exchanging my son and signing tax paperwork, my ex-husband was being nice. He told me I should let him know what’s going on with me financially as it concerns our joint interests. I told him I never know which person he’ll be: the nice guy or the mean guy. I like the nice guy, but I can totally do without the mean guy. He then said something about how I’ve always had the upper hand and that’s influenced how he’s been. At that moment, I didn’t feel like I had any kind of hand, which I told him, but then I had a lot of time to think about it on the 20 miles back home.

It’s not that I wanted hand – at any point in our relationship – at least not consciously. In a true partnership, no one really ever should have hand, at least not for long. I think that a relationship is a balance of power, with one person taking charge in certain areas and the other being ahead in the others. If you’re an avid reader of this blog, you know that I am on a quest to be more vulnerable and in touch with my feminine side. In the past, acting more from my male side, I attracted men who were acting more from their female side. Because of that, I tended to take charge of things: bills, decisions, childcare, you name it. Of course, deep down, the men really wanted to take care of all of those things, but either they weren’t able to or I didn’t let them – or a combination of both.

The truth about having hand in a relationship is that it doesn’t serve anyone. As in the Seinfeld episode, George was left alone with his hand, which is where one usually is when taking advantage of another in what is supposed to be a joint partnership. Too often, though, this is how relationships go. One person has more control, the other resents it and never says anything, and there is a huge communication breakdown. It’s really too bad that it goes that way – and all because someone needs to win. The definition of a partnership implies playing together nicely as equals. I think that, if we remember our roles as men and women, we’re more likely to create working partnerships.

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Two tattoos and a navel ring

  • April 3, 2010 at 7:16 am

I’ll admit that I’m a bit of an exhibitionist. I’ve always loved the shock value. 15 years ago, when I was a nanny and worked part time at The Disney Store, my colleagues there called me the “X-rated Mary Poppins.” My friends know my pool is clothing-optional, I’ll talk about all the taboo topics in mixed company, and I love to dress up in the least amount I can for themed parties.

The issue with that is how I look on the outside. A couple of years ago, as my marriage was ending, I thought it might be a good idea to visit a counselor myself to see what I might need to work on. I went to the appointment dressed business casual, as I am most weekdays I’m not wearing my work costume, and started to share a bit about myself. Unfortunately, my insurance carrier had matched me with possibly the most judgmental counselor on the face of the earth, who immediately said, “But you don’t look like you’re into that kind of stuff. You look so innocent.”

Needless to say, I did not return to see Mr. Stuffy Pants.

The important lesson I learned in all of this is the perception on the other side. See, the truth is I AM innocent. I have high morals and values, I’m a good mother to my son, and I don’t do anything of which I would be ashamed to tell Patrick when I go to any of these events. But, when people hear about them, often they jump to conclusions. This is especially true for men.

As a child, I moved around a lot. I went to 12 schools between kindergarten and graduation. So, long-term repercussions of my actions didn’t really occur to me. No matter, I thought, I can move. That feeling permeated my thinking for many years – until recently. I’ve been in Arizona since 2000 and in Phoenix since 2005. The friends I have now are, for the most part, the friends I made when I moved to town and/or started my business. I was protected through my marriage for a while, so regardless where I went or what pictures I deemed “necessary” to show off, people knew I was married and speculation ended there. Then I got divorced and started dating.

Seems that when men see a picture of an attractive woman in a costume that doesn’t cover much, they start to make assumptions. Of course, those assumptions benefit their way of thinking and certainly not the reputation of the young woman. A few mixed signals later, and I realized I was at the cause of those perceptions – just because of my tendency to shock and be an exhibitionist.

So now I don’t lead with, “Hey, I have two tattoos, a navel ring, and I have attended Fetish events in the past.” First, most people have a category for people who do such things, and I don’t like the company. Second, that’s not really a good summation of who I am. And, as we all know, people remember the shock value and forget most everything else.

The truth is that I am open-minded, loving, thoughtful, and have a lot of opinions that differ from the mainstream, but as Meryn Cadell’s “The Sweater” reminds us: “Different is not what you’re looking for.” At first glance, people want to meet their mirror reflections or, at the most, someone who is only slightly off the track they’re on. Someone who is perceived to be way out there is someone who will be categorized and shunned. So, although those things are certainly a part of who I am, I don’t lead with them anymore. I wait now until a base relationship has been established to spring that stuff on them. Then I seem eccentric.

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Do you “need” your partner?

  • March 26, 2010 at 4:28 pm

Do you ever notice that songs sometimes seem to be speaking just to you? I feel like that from time to time, and this morning one got to me. I was listening to my iPhone while I was getting ready for work and Train’s “Hopeless” came on. I love Train, but I’m pretty sure I had not really heard the song before. If I had, I surely hadn’t been listening. The song, sung from a man’s perspective, says that the woman needs no one. That got me thinking. Since feminism sprouted in the 70s, women have been told not to need a man. “We can do it ourselves!” is the mantra. Unfortunately, men want to feel needed in a relationship. They crave it; it makes them feel whole and loved.

I know this firsthand. I never wanted to need anyone. I felt that was somehow admitting defeat. Instead, I presented myself as independent and self-sufficient. My choice was to run when things got tough. After all, I didn’t need my partner, did I? Why not get the hell out of there? Even my ex-husband told me at one point, “You’re a rock; you don’t need anyone.” I will never forget where I was or how I felt when he told me that. I wasn’t that person – not by a long shot – but that’s the story I was telling him – and anyone else who would listen. He had every reason to think that about me because I had sold him a bill of goods.

I’ve learned that it’s not weak to need someone or something. In my quest to become vulnerable, I ride a fine line between being an independent single mom and business owner while remaining open to having a partner in my life. I will admit that, while I can certainly survive without one, once that partner appears, I will need him to stay. It’s not easy to say that, let me tell you, but I know it’s a huge part of what a man has to hear to be completely immersed in a relationship. Their genetic makeup tells them they have to take care of their women. If she won’t let him, he feels as if he’s failed. Another poignant memory for me is when an ex told me he hated that I said another male friend from high school was my best friend: “I’m your boyfriend. I want to be your best friend.” Translation: he wanted to feel needed and he didn’t.

Women, are you making the men in your life feel as if they’re the center of your world? I guarantee you that if you let down your guard a bit, the rewards will be unlimited. He will reciprocate by putting you on a pedestal and ensuring that you are well taken care of. Damn feminism; it really is screwing up with the male-female dynamic.

Here’s the aforementioned song. Take a listen and see if you can relate.

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