Collins Family News Thoughts and pictures from Amanda

The other evening, I carpooled to a happy hour event with a male friend of mine. We parked in three-hour parking, and both of us agreed that we would likely be ready to leave in that time period. However, when the time came, there was a one-hour discussion about whether or not we were leaving.

My friend asked me point blank if I was ready to leave. I said yes more than once. Yet, the discussion continued. Because I was concerned about getting a parking ticket, I agreed to take the car to another location where more friends would be. Even then, though, my friend somehow thought that we were just moving the car and heading back to the same bar.

At the next location, he asked me to let him know when I wanted to leave. “I wanted to leave two hours ago,” I said. I explained that I had told him that a number of times, but I was now willing to stay at this location until 11 pm, but at that point, I would be leaving—with or without him. He wanted to continue the discussion ad naseam, but I cut it short saying I was leaving at 11. End of discussion.

What is it with communication? I said exactly what I meant, I didn’t stutter or waffle about it, and yet my male friend still figured I meant something else. He explained that he is used to women saying one thing and meaning another, so he rarely takes women at their word. What? I’m sorry, but that’s just ridiculous. Have women changed the communication spectrum that much that I have to figure out how to say things backwards so men understand me? Why can’t we just say what we mean?

What are your thoughts on the topic?

When you’re up for a stressful interview or date and you ask advice of others, you’re likely to hear: “Just be yourself.” It’s definitely sound advice and a great way to live your life. My thought is that we should always be true to ourselves. Granted, in some situations, we have to hold back certain aspects, but you don’t want to put on your work identity at 8 am and then your home identity at 5 pm. They should be similar enough that you don’t feel like two completely different people given the situation.

This was completely true in my first marriage. I was in college at the time, and I took a pop-psychology quiz in class, which made me giggle. When I went home to share the results with my husband, he said, “That doesn’t describe you at all.” But it did. It was then that I realized that I wasn’t the same person—ME!—with him that I was with my friends. That was the beginning of the end.

I recently got back into the dating game and have been out with two men. With one, I hit it off great; I could be myself. With the other, though, I could feel myself reigning in my outgoing tendencies because I knew that he was not that guy. It felt odd and uncomfortable to me. Sure, he was a nice enough man and we had a few things in common, but I’m not eager to see him again because I’m not 100% me with him. The other man and I have actually gone out twice, and both times I’ve felt absolutely comfortable sharing the different layers of myself. He is just as outgoing as I am and can keep up with my verbal jabs and references—and sometimes even outshines me!

I challenge you to assess yourself to see if you are truly being yourself at all times. What are you hiding from people in your life? How does that feel? I’m guessing it’s not as fulfilling as being the true you all the time. I know; that used to be me.

When kids are about two years old, they learn the word “No.” They seem to use it all the time, driving their parents nuts.

Then, just as the dust settles from the negative responses, another word enters the vocabulary, usually around age four: “Why?” Kids are insatiably curious and ask “why” about just about everything. As a parent, it’s really kept me on my toes, because I endeavor to actually respond with a good answer. “Why is the sky blue?” is a great question, and I will talk briefly about the gases in the air. All of that information I learned in school was good to know—if only to be a better parent.

But what about the big questions? I was asked today, “Why do you love him?” Have you been asked that in a relationship? Or by your child? It’s not an easy answer to craft. I was asked that by a partner at one point, and I struggled to say. Sometimes, we just do. In the terms of Landmark Education, a response might be: “I love you because I choose to love you.” But what does that say?

Sometimes, we’ll go through the litany of “reasons” for loving someone: looks, personality, kindness, etc. That’s where I seem to start, at least. But sometimes, you just choose to love someone. Or you just know that you fit together. If you ask anyone how they knew when they were in love, you’re likely to get the same answer: “I just knew.”

It seems like a simple question, but it can really make the brain whirl. What’s your big “why” question that stumped you?

As my iPod was tooling through songs, it played Huey Lewis and the News’ “Happy to be Stuck with You.” When that came out, it really disturbed my mother, although I never understood why. As I was listening to it this time, I realized that they’re discussing a relationship I don’t want. I want to be in a relationship because I choose to be there. I’m reading a lot that love is a choice, and while finances and lives do get intertangled, that’s not the reason to stay in a relationship. You should be staying because you want to be there. Otherwise, the anger and resentment build up and no one is happy. However, there is a light at the end of the tunnel!

If you chose that person in the first place, who’s to say you can’t choose him or her again? Things happen in life and in relationships. People change and their first “in-love” feelings for each other can wane. I see it all around me and have personally experienced it. But, unfortunately, our society is too quick to throw in the towel when things get challenging. On the flip side, some people just accept their “stuckness” and wallow in their misery.

The two times I have been in love, it was not my choice to end either of those relationships. I see now my participation in them not being stellar, but I wasn’t willing to throw in the towel. In fact, in my marriage, when I tell people the story, they seem to be shocked. This is how it went:

My ex-husband told me one evening, “I want a divorce.”
“No” was my response.
He had this look of “HUH?” on his face, and then he confessed, “I’ve been with someone else.”
“That’s great,” I returned. “No.”
Again, the “HUH?” look.
“We have a one-year-old son down the hall. I told you I would marry again but that I wouldn’t divorce again, so no.”

That began our year-long bout into marriage counseling and neither of us seeing the forest for the trees. He continued his dalliances and I continued my distrust. It’s horribly exhausting to lose trust with a partner, because I found myself spying on him constantly. It tore me apart and didn’t make him feel too great either.

Granted, once trust is gone, it is that much more difficult to choose to be with that person, but it can be done. I’ve known couples whose relationships are stronger than ever because they made it through an affair, but it requires a kind of resolve and love many don’t possess. We are somehow programmed to take the road MORE traveled in our lives, which is definitely an easier route—but is it always the right one?

As I was sitting down to write this blog, I heard another song, which is much more direct and choice-oriented than the first: Baz Luhrmann’s “Everybody’s Free (to Wear Sunscreen).” It’s full of advice for a full life, one that involves choices and carving a path. THAT’S the life I want! I don’t want to be stuck in a relationship, a career, or a place where I’m not at least 90% happy all the time (100% is, of course, the goal!).

What about you?

Life is short. Too short, in my opinion, to waste time worrying and thinking negative thoughts. This week, I have seen a lot of negative in this life. A friend’s 19-year-old daughter died from suicide. A client was unhappy with my work and chose to go in another direction. A negative networker was verbally abusive to me and another colleague. My ex-husband’s fiancée attacked me by commenting on this blog. So many things happen every day that can weigh us down and sour our disposition.

So what do we do about it?

I can’t speak for everyone in the world, but I choose to assess, assimilate, and move on. First, I am usually taken off guard, angry, embarrassed, or whatever. Then I think about it. Feel first, think second; go figure for an ENTJ. I then try to learn something from it, if there is something worth learning. And, yes, there nearly is always something to learn. Then I move forward with a smile on my face. Sometime this process takes as short as five minutes or as long as a day.

I wrote a blog in November 2010 about angry people, and I believe a lot of the negativity we experience in the world begins with people who are angry and insecure. I run into people I like to call “Eeyore,” those who walk around with a gray cloud over their heads. Nothing goes right for them—even when it seems like it should be right. And, too often, they want to pull others into the gray shadow with them.

I don’t have time to live under a gray cloud. I have to live in a world of negativity that would love to bring me (and everyone else) down, but I choose to live in an amazing world. My son is the center of that world, and he is the most awesome boy ever. My business is growing by leaps and bounds and I’m ready to add contract writers. I’m going to Disneyland next week for my 40th birthday. I have a slew of wonderfully supportive friends. My life is amazing.

This evening, I went to Dave & Buster’s with some friends to celebrate my birthday. They treated me to dinner and drinks, and I had some free games courtesy of a coupon. Then, after tons of fun there, I drove home under a gorgeous full moon. I’m now watching Easy A, which is super fun and funny. So, try all you want, all you Eeyores; I am committed to being happy, regardless of what you throw my way.