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When do you call off the hunt?

  • February 26, 2011 at 1:36 pm

Dating is a pain in the ass. I’m not good at it. I’m pretty sure I never was. Now, I find myself out there in the dating world again, after a very long break. My priorities have shifted drastically from the last time I was looking, back in 2005. At that point, I wanted to get married and have a child, yet I was looking for a few different things, throwing caution to the wind. Now that I have a child, my perspective is different. Finding a boy toy isn’t even an option for me. Instead, I am looking for a responsible partner with whom I can have fun with no pressures to settle down—although I also don’t want to play the field.

It’s a tall order, but, apparently, it’s not impossible to fill.

I’ve had two dates with a really nice man I met online. While I’m not talking about a future and each day is a mystery, I’m not terribly interested in meeting anyone else at the moment, either. The question, though, is when do you stop looking? When you’re looking for a job, you know that the search is over when you land a new position. In the dating world, do you keep your options open until the “L” bomb is dropped? Until you sleep together? Is there some sort of protocol?

I’m not good at splitting my energies among a number of men. I can’t keep things straight, and I don’t want to be confused about with whom I shared things—or worse, my feelings. So do I focus on one at a time or do I juggle? I welcome your thoughts.

Care to leave a comment?

“Just Be Yourself”

  • February 25, 2011 at 8:03 am

When you’re up for a stressful interview or date and you ask advice of others, you’re likely to hear: “Just be yourself.” It’s definitely sound advice and a great way to live your life. My thought is that we should always be true to ourselves. Granted, in some situations, we have to hold back certain aspects, but you don’t want to put on your work identity at 8 am and then your home identity at 5 pm. They should be similar enough that you don’t feel like two completely different people given the situation.

This was completely true in my first marriage. I was in college at the time, and I took a pop-psychology quiz in class, which made me giggle. When I went home to share the results with my husband, he said, “That doesn’t describe you at all.” But it did. It was then that I realized that I wasn’t the same person—ME!—with him that I was with my friends. That was the beginning of the end.

I recently got back into the dating game and have been out with two men. With one, I hit it off great; I could be myself. With the other, though, I could feel myself reigning in my outgoing tendencies because I knew that he was not that guy. It felt odd and uncomfortable to me. Sure, he was a nice enough man and we had a few things in common, but I’m not eager to see him again because I’m not 100% me with him. The other man and I have actually gone out twice, and both times I’ve felt absolutely comfortable sharing the different layers of myself. He is just as outgoing as I am and can keep up with my verbal jabs and references—and sometimes even outshines me!

I challenge you to assess yourself to see if you are truly being yourself at all times. What are you hiding from people in your life? How does that feel? I’m guessing it’s not as fulfilling as being the true you all the time. I know; that used to be me.

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When the Trailer Doesn’t Foretell the Movie

  • February 19, 2011 at 11:50 am

Have you ever been really enthralled by a movie trailer and bought your tickets for the movie…only to be disappointed it wasn’t at all like the trailer? But can’t that happen with people as well? My fear is that it kind of happens with me.

See, when you first meet me, most people would say that I’m self-confident, assertive, a successful business woman, independent, and a dedicated, loving mother. Yes, those are all true, but there’s so much more there. When I took the DiSC assessment (read the blog about DiSC assessments), my presenting types were a very high I followed by an average D and very low S and C. However, my natural types are high I and S, average D, and very low C. What that means is that my I is what you see first and then D, and you may not see my S at all when we’re just acquaintances. However, once I feel comfortable, the S comes out.

In English? I’m outgoing and fun with a strong, assertive side most of the time, but after you know me, I’m more of a nurturer. I’m sure that has a lot to do with being a mom, because I am 100% dedicated to Patrick and being there for him.

The other day, I got together with a man I had met through an online dating service. As we were getting to know each other and I was sharing with him stories about men I’ve dated or met, he pointed out something interesting: I say I want someone who is a higher D than I am, but am I sure that’s what I want? His point was that I am attracting men who are not strong or assertive, whether consciously or subconsciously, and there’s probably something to be learned there.

I’m not sure how to combat this issue, but it’s definitely food for thought. I think the truth is that I’m scared. I’ve not been in a relationship in a long time, and both times I was truly in love with a man, he broke my heart into tiny little pieces. On the one hand, I want to be fully committed to a relationship, but on the other, I’m freaked out at the thought of being that hurt again. Being in control helps to keep me safe.

I would love to hear your thoughts on first impressions vs. being that person throughout a relationship. Do you do this too? Have you figured out a way to be consistent in your persona?

Care to leave a comment?

One simple question: Why?

  • February 17, 2011 at 4:36 pm

When kids are about two years old, they learn the word “No.” They seem to use it all the time, driving their parents nuts.

Then, just as the dust settles from the negative responses, another word enters the vocabulary, usually around age four: “Why?” Kids are insatiably curious and ask “why” about just about everything. As a parent, it’s really kept me on my toes, because I endeavor to actually respond with a good answer. “Why is the sky blue?” is a great question, and I will talk briefly about the gases in the air. All of that information I learned in school was good to know—if only to be a better parent.

But what about the big questions? I was asked today, “Why do you love him?” Have you been asked that in a relationship? Or by your child? It’s not an easy answer to craft. I was asked that by a partner at one point, and I struggled to say. Sometimes, we just do. In the terms of Landmark Education, a response might be: “I love you because I choose to love you.” But what does that say?

Sometimes, we’ll go through the litany of “reasons” for loving someone: looks, personality, kindness, etc. That’s where I seem to start, at least. But sometimes, you just choose to love someone. Or you just know that you fit together. If you ask anyone how they knew when they were in love, you’re likely to get the same answer: “I just knew.”

It seems like a simple question, but it can really make the brain whirl. What’s your big “why” question that stumped you?

Care to leave a comment?

More Than Facebook Friends?

  • February 13, 2011 at 10:52 am

The other day, I posted an update on Facebook:

Although I really love Facebook, I want more “real” friends to hang out with and share things. Anyone else feel similarly?

I was surprised to learn that many others DO, in fact, feel the same. It seems that we’ve created this culture that allows us to stay in touch without having to actually interact with anyone—and it stinks.

I’ve always found that I have more acquaintances than friends. That’s probably due, in part, to moving around a lot as a child; I didn’t have much time to make long-term friendships. But I’ve been in Arizona since 2000 and in Phoenix since 2005. I’ve made a lot of friends, but most of them aren’t “good” friends that I can call at any point and say, “Hey, what are you doing? Want to go out somewhere?”

Sure, I have had friends like that, but the issue is that they’ve almost always been men. That in itself is not a bad thing, but once those men begin dating seriously, they have no room for an odd woman out. And if I keep calling my two male friends all the time, it seems like we’re dating…and that’s just weird on a few levels.

Today, I was on Craig’s List and found an ad aptly titled “Not Looking for Another Facebook Friend”—and I responded. It’s good to know that I’m not the only one who feels like life has become tied to a computer screen. Ironically, I go out a lot for networking events and such, but we don’t seem to forge traditional friendships. What is wrong with us, and what does this mean for the future of our society?

Care to leave a comment?

Happy to be Stuck with You?

  • January 23, 2011 at 9:28 am


As my iPod was tooling through songs, it played Huey Lewis and the News’ “Happy to be Stuck with You.” When that came out, it really disturbed my mother, although I never understood why. As I was listening to it this time, I realized that they’re discussing a relationship I don’t want. I want to be in a relationship because I choose to be there. I’m reading a lot that love is a choice, and while finances and lives do get intertangled, that’s not the reason to stay in a relationship. You should be staying because you want to be there. Otherwise, the anger and resentment build up and no one is happy. However, there is a light at the end of the tunnel!

If you chose that person in the first place, who’s to say you can’t choose him or her again? Things happen in life and in relationships. People change and their first “in-love” feelings for each other can wane. I see it all around me and have personally experienced it. But, unfortunately, our society is too quick to throw in the towel when things get challenging. On the flip side, some people just accept their “stuckness” and wallow in their misery.

The two times I have been in love, it was not my choice to end either of those relationships. I see now my participation in them not being stellar, but I wasn’t willing to throw in the towel. In fact, in my marriage, when I tell people the story, they seem to be shocked. This is how it went:

My ex-husband told me one evening, “I want a divorce.”
“No” was my response.
He had this look of “HUH?” on his face, and then he confessed, “I’ve been with someone else.”
“That’s great,” I returned. “No.”
Again, the “HUH?” look.
“We have a one-year-old son down the hall. I told you I would marry again but that I wouldn’t divorce again, so no.”

That began our year-long bout into marriage counseling and neither of us seeing the forest for the trees. He continued his dalliances and I continued my distrust. It’s horribly exhausting to lose trust with a partner, because I found myself spying on him constantly. It tore me apart and didn’t make him feel too great either.

Granted, once trust is gone, it is that much more difficult to choose to be with that person, but it can be done. I’ve known couples whose relationships are stronger than ever because they made it through an affair, but it requires a kind of resolve and love many don’t possess. We are somehow programmed to take the road MORE traveled in our lives, which is definitely an easier route—but is it always the right one?


As I was sitting down to write this blog, I heard another song, which is much more direct and choice-oriented than the first: Baz Luhrmann’s “Everybody’s Free (to Wear Sunscreen).” It’s full of advice for a full life, one that involves choices and carving a path. THAT’S the life I want! I don’t want to be stuck in a relationship, a career, or a place where I’m not at least 90% happy all the time (100% is, of course, the goal!).

What about you?

Care to leave a comment?

No Time for Negativity

  • January 21, 2011 at 10:10 pm

Life is short. Too short, in my opinion, to waste time worrying and thinking negative thoughts. This week, I have seen a lot of negative in this life. A friend’s 19-year-old daughter died from suicide. A client was unhappy with my work and chose to go in another direction. A negative networker was verbally abusive to me and another colleague. My ex-husband’s fiancée attacked me by commenting on this blog. So many things happen every day that can weigh us down and sour our disposition.

So what do we do about it?

I can’t speak for everyone in the world, but I choose to assess, assimilate, and move on. First, I am usually taken off guard, angry, embarrassed, or whatever. Then I think about it. Feel first, think second; go figure for an ENTJ. I then try to learn something from it, if there is something worth learning. And, yes, there nearly is always something to learn. Then I move forward with a smile on my face. Sometime this process takes as short as five minutes or as long as a day.

I wrote a blog in November 2010 about angry people, and I believe a lot of the negativity we experience in the world begins with people who are angry and insecure. I run into people I like to call “Eeyore,” those who walk around with a gray cloud over their heads. Nothing goes right for them—even when it seems like it should be right. And, too often, they want to pull others into the gray shadow with them.

I don’t have time to live under a gray cloud. I have to live in a world of negativity that would love to bring me (and everyone else) down, but I choose to live in an amazing world. My son is the center of that world, and he is the most awesome boy ever. My business is growing by leaps and bounds and I’m ready to add contract writers. I’m going to Disneyland next week for my 40th birthday. I have a slew of wonderfully supportive friends. My life is amazing.

This evening, I went to Dave & Buster’s with some friends to celebrate my birthday. They treated me to dinner and drinks, and I had some free games courtesy of a coupon. Then, after tons of fun there, I drove home under a gorgeous full moon. I’m now watching Easy A, which is super fun and funny. So, try all you want, all you Eeyores; I am committed to being happy, regardless of what you throw my way.

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Please Me!…Please?

  • January 19, 2011 at 7:14 am

I have completed reading The 5 Love Languages, and I even took the profile test to see which language is mine. It’s a close tie between “acts of service” and “words of affirmation.” I think the former is more because I have a strong desire to feel safe and cared for in a relationship. The latter is pretty self-evident.

It’s interesting to trace the origins of these love languages. As Gary Chapman says in his book, our styles began in childhood. Either it was the way we were shown love, or we missed it so much that we desire it now. I can totally see that. When I was a kid, I was pretty much on my own. I was an only child with a self-obsessed father and a bipolar mother. They did the best they could with what they had (I don’t have any ill feelings), but I definitely was lacking in some things. I had to take care of myself, from cleaning up after myself to doing my own laundry, making my own appointments, and paying my own bills—all from around the age of eight or ten. That definitely explains why “acts of service” are so important to me.

As for “words of affirmation,” to my mother, nothing was ever good enough. I wasn’t smart enough, skinny enough…you name it. Now, when someone tells me I’m good at something or beautiful or whatever, my heart fills up. Something positive I heard years ago can fuel me even today, and I am often reminded of my ex-husband’s encouragement that I am worth much more in the workplace than I give myself credit. Oh, and I LOVE it when I make clients happy!

Writing this, it would appear that my primary love language is “words of affirmation.” They definitely make me feel good about myself, but since security was so absent for me as a child, “acts of service” help me to feel as if I’m in a lasting relationship.

I’m starting to review how I show love to Patrick through this process, and I have even asked him how he knows I love him (he says because I tell him). The book suggests that we shower our children with love in all of the five areas so they always have a full emotional love tank. I am pretty sure I was doing that before, but I am paying attention to it now. I also watch my language more; I’m cognizant of using more positive words than negative (e.g., “Remember to brush your teeth” as opposed to “Don’t forget to brush your teeth”).

I also am working hard on my relationship with Jeff, my ex-husband. We are linked together for the rest of our lives through Patrick, and there has always been so much animosity. There’s a great section of the book in which a woman who is in a loveless relationship asks, “How can I love someone I hate?” I certainly don’t hate Jeff, but it’s challenging to love someone who puts up so many roadblocks and shows so much anger toward me. So I implemented what the book suggests. Last night, I emailed Jeff and told him I am committed to having a positive relationship with him. I also disclosed that I wasn’t telling him so he’ll feel obligated to reciprocate my kindness; I was telling him because I didn’t want him to think I’m nuts or have an ulterior motive.

While reading the book, I’ve written him a note thanking him for helping me and Patrick one day, and I took him and his fiancée a couple of cupcakes from the batch I made over the weekend. If nothing else, I feel good in my approach and it’s erased any negative feelings I had about him. Let the growth continue!

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Woulda … Coulda … Shoulda

  • January 9, 2011 at 10:09 am

The problem with reading all of these relationship books and reflecting on myself is that I’m currently single, so I have no one on whom to practice and no pairing to improve. That leaves me with one option: consider relationships of the past and what I did that I could have done differently. With a poor memory for the specifics, that leaves me with one recent relationship: my marriage that essentially ended 2 1/2 years ago (the divorce was only a year ago, but we were physically separated for longer).

As I continue to read The Five Love Languages, I am realizing so many similar themes across the books I’ve been reading. It may be because most have a Christian theme (ironic, since I’m very much an atheist) that they seem to draw from the I Corinthians 13:4-7 verse:

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Although I’ve only read two languages of love—words of affirmation and quality time—I see my ex-husband in both of them. I’ve yet to unearth my primary love language, although my guess is that it’s acts of service because I really appreciate it when men do things for me. For him, he told me at the end that he didn’t feel appreciated at all and that I was always on my computer when he wanted to talk to me. If only I’d been listening all along, or he’d told me that earlier….

As I was reading about the first two languages, I was at the gym, as I always am when I’m reading. While I was doing my bicep / tricep curls on the bench in the weight area, a couple behind me was going through some personal training. The man was seriously struggling with his reps and making that crazy grunting sound you sometimes hear in the gym. Nearby, his wife was watching—and laughing! Okay, I’ll admit that the grunting makes me wonder why men torture themselves in that way, but to laugh at her husband while he so obviously needed support and encouragement? I wanted to go over there and slap her and then encourage him.

Recently, an enlightened friend of mine and I were speaking about relationships and she suggested that, since the sexual revolution of the ’60s, men have been raised to expect to be emasculated, while women have been raised to emasculate men. I’ve done it, and most of the women I know do it. The issue is that we have no idea that we’re doing it; it’s almost ingrained in us. Meanwhile, men are so used to it that they don’t say anything when it happens. They take it and then build up feelings of resentment.

I think it should be our goal in this generation to make our children aware of their feelings and able to express them. No matter what feelings they are, they are valid. Sharing them with loved ones should not produce fear or anxiety—and perhaps by letting others know how we feel, they will be more aware of their actions and consequences, thus ending this ridiculous cycle of failed male-female relations.

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Choosing Love

  • January 4, 2011 at 10:58 pm

I just started reading The Five Love Languages, after reading Men Are from Dirt; Women Are from Men. They were a package deal through Amazon, and I’m starting to realize why. One of the underlying themes I’ve seen so far is that love is a choice. (In fact, that theme runs through a number of books I’ve read recently.) The first book talks about how the in-love feeling lasts about two years, until we discover that all of those annoying things we found endearing at the beginning are, well, annoying. The solution, of course, is to CHOOSE to love the person you’re with. The problem, though, is that we live in a disposable society and, when life gets challenging, people walk away rather than dealing with their issues. They think that the next person will be better and they obviously didn’t have “real love” this time.

It’s disappointing to me that people just give up so easily, and a lot of it has to do with this generation. Years ago, couples just accepted that they would be miserable in relationships—and they stayed. Obviously, that’s not a great solution either since no one wants to be miserable, but it somehow seems better to me than just throwing in the towel when life gets tough. Especially when children are involved. Speaking of children, the book said that 60% of second marriages fail—and the statistic increases when children are involved.

I’m eager to continue reading this book to learn what my love language is and to learn to speak the language of others, especially my son. As the author pointed out, our love tanks need to be full for our relationships to run. We take care of the gas and oil in our cars, yet we somehow think our relationships will run on empty. How ridiculous is that?

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