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The other evening, I carpooled to a happy hour event with a male friend of mine. We parked in three-hour parking, and both of us agreed that we would likely be ready to leave in that time period. However, when the time came, there was a one-hour discussion about whether or not we were leaving.
My friend asked me point blank if I was ready to leave. I said yes more than once. Yet, the discussion continued. Because I was concerned about getting a parking ticket, I agreed to take the car to another location where more friends would be. Even then, though, my friend somehow thought that we were just moving the car and heading back to the same bar.
At the next location, he asked me to let him know when I wanted to leave. “I wanted to leave two hours ago,” I said. I explained that I had told him that a number of times, but I was now willing to stay at this location until 11 pm, but at that point, I would be leaving—with or without him. He wanted to continue the discussion ad naseam, but I cut it short saying I was leaving at 11. End of discussion.
What is it with communication? I said exactly what I meant, I didn’t stutter or waffle about it, and yet my male friend still figured I meant something else. He explained that he is used to women saying one thing and meaning another, so he rarely takes women at their word. What? I’m sorry, but that’s just ridiculous. Have women changed the communication spectrum that much that I have to figure out how to say things backwards so men understand me? Why can’t we just say what we mean?
What are your thoughts on the topic?
clearly he had a different agenda… if he was focused on you and your needs as a friend, he would have heard and understood what you said, and followed thru with either saying “lets go” or manning up and saying “I have another interest here that I want to pursue, thank you for driving, but I think I will take my chances and get another ride later”…
his continued discussion on the subject was meant to delay and get you to change your mind and stay longer… don’t let him blame it on the alcohol when it was clearly the allure of something/someone else that had his attention off of what you clearly communicated.
I have had those types of conversations in each of my 3 marriages and with several friends thruought the years. I have come to find out that it is not that they don’t hear the exact words we are saying or that they don’t believe we mean what we say — they have another agenda and are not willing to share it. So now I call them on it saying something like “Ok I am a little confused here. We have both agreed to this ??? and it is not happening. So that means to me that you desire something other than what you are saying. What is that desire? Perhaps we can talk about that instead of repeating the same thing we have already stated. If you don’t know what that desire is or you are unwilling to talk about I understand. Perhaps when you figure it it out you can give me a call or an email. In the mean time I am going to continue my course of action that I originally agreed to. Thanks for your time.” By the way I have had this happen with women as well…. I think it all comes down to not really knowing what it is they want….. Hopeing the night / event / conversation, etc. will turn into something that they really can’t define but is not currently happening…. just my 2 cents…
I think he should have been grateful to have a woman say exactly what she meant. Or am I weird for appreciating straightforwardness (if that is even a word)
Regardless of gender, some of us don’t commit to our words. How many times do we say that we’ll meet someone at 11 and call at 11:05 to inform that we’re running 5 minutes late, but arrive 20 minutes after? Why not be more courteous of other people’s time? Why not just say it how it is?
I think that in order for other people to take us seriously we have to commit to what we are saying. If the initial plan was to call it a night in 3 hours and my friend is deviating from the plan without communicating to me, I would let him know of my departure, get in the car and leave. Nex time, he’ll know that I mean what I say.