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Sometimes the Dust Just Needs to Settle

  • May 10, 2011 at 12:27 pm

After my last blog (and accompanying posts on Facebook), I’ve had people tell me I am being used by the man in my life. “He just wants to keep you around for sex,” they say. But why does everyone assume that the man is using the woman? Couldn’t the woman be using the man? Or how about a mutual understanding where each party knows exactly what is happening and what to expect?

Last week, L told me he doesn’t see a future with me. Boom! It’s out on the table. The wacky part is that absolutely nothing has changed. The air has been cleared. The dust has settled. We still see each other when we can. We still go out and have a good time. The only distinction is the path on which we’re heading.

A woman might argue that she’s trying to shield my feelings. I’ll get hurt, she’ll say. I’ll end up falling for him. Perhaps. Friends with benefits can go many different ways: they can turn into something, they can stay just friends (no benefits), or they can end. It’s rare that the whole friends with benefits thing continues forever. But why do we need to plan anything? We both know the score. We communicate and we’re honest with each other. That’s way better than most relationships I’ve been in, whether just friends or long-term partnerships.

I’m back out in the dating world and I’m keeping all of my options open, whether with L or someone else. Since I kind of like having a go-to sex partner—and I’m not one to sleep around—this works for me. I can go out on dates with other men and see if there’s a spark. If so, I can table the “with benefits” part of my friendship with L to explore another path. But to completely end a friendship with a man who’s company I enjoy immensely? Well…that seems like cutting off my nose to spite my face.

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Romantic Illusions of Grandeur

  • May 4, 2011 at 6:12 pm

Okay, I’ll admit it: I’m a chick. Although I do think a lot like a man in many instances, I’ve been channeling my inner female a lot more in recent years. Like all women, I want the fairytale in my life. I listen to songs by John Mayer and I’m taken in by the romance and longing in the music and lyrics. Although I’ve been married and divorced twice, that doesn’t mean I have stopped looking for a wonderful man with whom to spend my life.

On that quest, I have been dating a really great guy for about two months now. It’s a go-with-the-flow kind of relationship, which hasn’t been classified as more than “dating.” Last night, though, he threw me a curve ball that made me feel like an outside observer to the events of my life. After watching Chasing Amy (a rather “charged” relationship movie, to be sure), L shared that he felt I was fishing for definition as to what we are and where we’re going. He then point-blank told me he doesn’t feel there’s a relationship potential there.

Although I could feel my face flush and wasn’t sure where to go next (mind you, we were six inches from each other since we were semi-snuggling at the time), I have to say that I have always appreciated his honesty. L is a psychologist, and he is a very straight shooter. We talked about it for a bit and, although I’m not sure exactly what happened, I think we’re right where we were when we started.

L is a self-admitted commitment-phobe. I’m a female, which means I am always looking for a relationship. I get it; he got freaked out. We both tend to overthink things, so he put on his thinking cap and thought that there are two big things he can’t enjoy with me: clothing-optional pool parties and dressing up in costumes. Since neither is a deal-breaker for me, I wonder about the drive behind them, but he’s certainly entitled to his opinion. He wanted me to not be misled if he wants an out, and he implied he’s not interested in an exclusive arrangement. However, when I asked how he would fit in another woman when he spends his time either with me, with his daughter, working, or playing poker, he wasn’t really sure how anyone else would fit.

After talking with some friends today, I realize that I’m doing okay with all of this. It’s only been two months, and I kind of like that we’re not planning a marriage or exchanging keys at this point. It’s still going with the flow. We already have two huge things: honesty and the ability to communicate. I’m open to date others, as is L, so we’ll see where the future leads us.

But, yes, I still want the fairytale.

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