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Labeling Relationships, Labeling Life

  • March 28, 2011 at 8:40 am

The other night, as I was speaking with the man I’m dating, Seinfeld’s quip that 95% of the population is undateable came up. I’ve long agreed with this, and since L is also a big Seinfeld fan, it’s not surprising that he believes it’s true as well. The conversation went all around the place and then he said it depends on where you put that person: doable, dateable, or relationshipable (fun with words!). Obviously, the percentages would be different based on how you choose to label a person.

I guess I never really it broke down like that—at least not consciously. But it’s probably true that there are people we would do, but we would never date those people because they’re morons or something. That distinction is pretty clear. However, what about the distinction between someone being dateable or eligible for a relationship? Aren’t those pretty much the same?

I would say that some people go through the cycles: when we first meet, we judge on looks, so that’s doable. Then, during that first conversation, you can make a determination as to whether or not you would date that person. Then, after you date for a bit, you know if you’re interested in putting some skin in the game or just keeping it casual. I did ask L if he feels that people run through this mill, but he wouldn’t commit to that. Apparently, for him, it’s not a clear progression from do to date to relationship.

This is pretty obvious in what we have going on. Although I really like him, I wouldn’t consider L my boyfriend. I don’t even say I’m in a relationship; I say I’m dating someone. It feels more casual but with a purpose to me that way. Nothing is locked in and I’m not emotionally invested, but there is potential.

It’s funny how differently I view the world at 40 and as a single mom than I did at even 33, single, and without a child. Then, it was all about finding “the one.” I jumped quickly most of my life, considering myself in love within weeks or months of starting to hang out with someone new. Now, however, it’s much more laid back. I have that child I always wanted, and he is my #1 priority. I don’t put myself or him in harm’s way by hooking up randomly (although, truthfully, I only did that a couple of times back in the day). I don’t look at men as potential fathers and providers for my unborn child. I am relaxed and willing to take my time to be sure this is a viable partnership. I’ve been married twice and, while I loved being married, I hate that I’ve been divorced twice. This next relationship is going to last if we go down that path.

I’m curious of your thoughts on this topic. Has age or having children mellowed you? Do you need a label to define your relations? And do you concur that 95% of the population is, indeed, undateable? In actuality, I think it might be even less, especially given these guidelines.

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Dropping the L Word

  • March 17, 2011 at 8:18 am

Lately, I’ve spoken to a couple of my guy friends who are in relationships, and the L word has come up in the conversation. Although it should come as no surprise to anyone, I’m seeing a real discrepancy between how men and women approach the word. We women tend to throw it out willy-nilly, telling people we love them within weeks of starting to date. Men, on the other hand, wait because that word signifies to them so much more than just a word.

I can kind of see where the disparity is, and I can agree with both sides of the issue. As a woman, I do tend to care about people, and when intimacy enters the picture, those feelings are boosted. I’ve been dating a man for a month now, and although I certainly do care about him, it’s way too soon to say that I love him. However, when in the throes of passion, crazy thoughts and feelings can run through your head (no, neither of us has said anything).

Kristi DeWitt has written a great book, Stories from the Dating Trenches, and she suggests that at no point should a woman utter the L word first. I believe that is a good idea. As a general rule, women are much more emotional creatures, and we have all of these feelings just looking for a target. A man shows us some affection and those emotions get pointed in his direction.

A friend told me that women are always looking for “the one”—even if they don’t think they are. I disputed that point at first, but as he says, he’s always right. Although I’m not ready to move in with someone or get married or do anything like that too soon, I do sometimes picture a future with the man I’m dating. On the surface, I know it’s completely ridiculous; we both have a child and we’ve only known each other a month. But underneath that reality, I tend to romanticize things and—despite my protestations—I am a woman and I do want to be in a relationship. It’s a balancing act to check in with my head and my heart, all the while putting my son first and knowing that any choices I make need to have his best interests at the forefront.

For now, I will lavish my love on my son and my friends and reserve the L word for use with my guy until some time has passed and I’m sure I actually do feel it. Uttering it too quickly in the past got me nowhere—in a hurry.

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What is intimacy?

  • March 5, 2011 at 4:54 pm

The other evening, I rewatched Kevin Smith’s iconic classic Clerks. I have seen this movie a number of times, and each time I am perplexed by one of the key quotables in the movie surrounding the number 37. It’s definitely a funny scene, but it’s so much more than that to me. If you haven’t seen it, this couple is dating and he finds out that she’s only slept with three people but has had oral encounters with 37 guys (R-rated clip above). Her rationalization is that she “went down on a few people, but I only had sex with the guys I loved.” He’s furious, which I completely understand. My question is: Which is more intimate—oral sex or intercourse?

I’m a rare duck; I didn’t even engage in oral relations until after my first marriage ended, when I was 26. Granted, I didn’t lose my virginity until I was 18 and I didn’t have a depth of experience going into my marriage, but that task was not on my to-do list. I think it was a combination of fear with a heavy dose of Madonna-whore complex…but I digress.

Maybe that’s why I feel like oral makes one more exposed. It’s intimate on a level I don’t think intercourse is. Sex can happen without kissing or even looking at each other. It’s a transaction, in a sense. Also, you don’t have to give to the other person at all; it can really be all about you.

Oral is all about giving to the other person. To me, that is what intimacy is about. It’s about being naked (physically and emotionally) and giving without expectations. Isn’t that what you’re doing when you’re engaging in oral sex? I mean, really, what pleasure does one get out of giving it? I know there will be people who say they enjoy the act (usually men), but I think they enjoy the power over the other person. And that means they care about the other person. At least in my book.

If I’m going there with a man, it’s because I have a connection with him. It doesn’t mean I have to be in love or anything, but it has to be more than a casual one-night stand. I may be in the minority on this and completely going out on a limb (in addition to heading way off the PG track this blog usually follows), but that’s my take on it. I’d love to hear yours.

 

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