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When do you call off the hunt?

  • February 26, 2011 at 1:36 pm

Dating is a pain in the ass. I’m not good at it. I’m pretty sure I never was. Now, I find myself out there in the dating world again, after a very long break. My priorities have shifted drastically from the last time I was looking, back in 2005. At that point, I wanted to get married and have a child, yet I was looking for a few different things, throwing caution to the wind. Now that I have a child, my perspective is different. Finding a boy toy isn’t even an option for me. Instead, I am looking for a responsible partner with whom I can have fun with no pressures to settle down—although I also don’t want to play the field.

It’s a tall order, but, apparently, it’s not impossible to fill.

I’ve had two dates with a really nice man I met online. While I’m not talking about a future and each day is a mystery, I’m not terribly interested in meeting anyone else at the moment, either. The question, though, is when do you stop looking? When you’re looking for a job, you know that the search is over when you land a new position. In the dating world, do you keep your options open until the “L” bomb is dropped? Until you sleep together? Is there some sort of protocol?

I’m not good at splitting my energies among a number of men. I can’t keep things straight, and I don’t want to be confused about with whom I shared things—or worse, my feelings. So do I focus on one at a time or do I juggle? I welcome your thoughts.

Care to leave a comment?

“Just Be Yourself”

  • February 25, 2011 at 8:03 am

When you’re up for a stressful interview or date and you ask advice of others, you’re likely to hear: “Just be yourself.” It’s definitely sound advice and a great way to live your life. My thought is that we should always be true to ourselves. Granted, in some situations, we have to hold back certain aspects, but you don’t want to put on your work identity at 8 am and then your home identity at 5 pm. They should be similar enough that you don’t feel like two completely different people given the situation.

This was completely true in my first marriage. I was in college at the time, and I took a pop-psychology quiz in class, which made me giggle. When I went home to share the results with my husband, he said, “That doesn’t describe you at all.” But it did. It was then that I realized that I wasn’t the same person—ME!—with him that I was with my friends. That was the beginning of the end.

I recently got back into the dating game and have been out with two men. With one, I hit it off great; I could be myself. With the other, though, I could feel myself reigning in my outgoing tendencies because I knew that he was not that guy. It felt odd and uncomfortable to me. Sure, he was a nice enough man and we had a few things in common, but I’m not eager to see him again because I’m not 100% me with him. The other man and I have actually gone out twice, and both times I’ve felt absolutely comfortable sharing the different layers of myself. He is just as outgoing as I am and can keep up with my verbal jabs and references—and sometimes even outshines me!

I challenge you to assess yourself to see if you are truly being yourself at all times. What are you hiding from people in your life? How does that feel? I’m guessing it’s not as fulfilling as being the true you all the time. I know; that used to be me.

Care to leave a comment?

When the Trailer Doesn’t Foretell the Movie

  • February 19, 2011 at 11:50 am

Have you ever been really enthralled by a movie trailer and bought your tickets for the movie…only to be disappointed it wasn’t at all like the trailer? But can’t that happen with people as well? My fear is that it kind of happens with me.

See, when you first meet me, most people would say that I’m self-confident, assertive, a successful business woman, independent, and a dedicated, loving mother. Yes, those are all true, but there’s so much more there. When I took the DiSC assessment (read the blog about DiSC assessments), my presenting types were a very high I followed by an average D and very low S and C. However, my natural types are high I and S, average D, and very low C. What that means is that my I is what you see first and then D, and you may not see my S at all when we’re just acquaintances. However, once I feel comfortable, the S comes out.

In English? I’m outgoing and fun with a strong, assertive side most of the time, but after you know me, I’m more of a nurturer. I’m sure that has a lot to do with being a mom, because I am 100% dedicated to Patrick and being there for him.

The other day, I got together with a man I had met through an online dating service. As we were getting to know each other and I was sharing with him stories about men I’ve dated or met, he pointed out something interesting: I say I want someone who is a higher D than I am, but am I sure that’s what I want? His point was that I am attracting men who are not strong or assertive, whether consciously or subconsciously, and there’s probably something to be learned there.

I’m not sure how to combat this issue, but it’s definitely food for thought. I think the truth is that I’m scared. I’ve not been in a relationship in a long time, and both times I was truly in love with a man, he broke my heart into tiny little pieces. On the one hand, I want to be fully committed to a relationship, but on the other, I’m freaked out at the thought of being that hurt again. Being in control helps to keep me safe.

I would love to hear your thoughts on first impressions vs. being that person throughout a relationship. Do you do this too? Have you figured out a way to be consistent in your persona?

Care to leave a comment?

One simple question: Why?

  • February 17, 2011 at 4:36 pm

When kids are about two years old, they learn the word “No.” They seem to use it all the time, driving their parents nuts.

Then, just as the dust settles from the negative responses, another word enters the vocabulary, usually around age four: “Why?” Kids are insatiably curious and ask “why” about just about everything. As a parent, it’s really kept me on my toes, because I endeavor to actually respond with a good answer. “Why is the sky blue?” is a great question, and I will talk briefly about the gases in the air. All of that information I learned in school was good to know—if only to be a better parent.

But what about the big questions? I was asked today, “Why do you love him?” Have you been asked that in a relationship? Or by your child? It’s not an easy answer to craft. I was asked that by a partner at one point, and I struggled to say. Sometimes, we just do. In the terms of Landmark Education, a response might be: “I love you because I choose to love you.” But what does that say?

Sometimes, we’ll go through the litany of “reasons” for loving someone: looks, personality, kindness, etc. That’s where I seem to start, at least. But sometimes, you just choose to love someone. Or you just know that you fit together. If you ask anyone how they knew when they were in love, you’re likely to get the same answer: “I just knew.”

It seems like a simple question, but it can really make the brain whirl. What’s your big “why” question that stumped you?

Care to leave a comment?

More Than Facebook Friends?

  • February 13, 2011 at 10:52 am

The other day, I posted an update on Facebook:

Although I really love Facebook, I want more “real” friends to hang out with and share things. Anyone else feel similarly?

I was surprised to learn that many others DO, in fact, feel the same. It seems that we’ve created this culture that allows us to stay in touch without having to actually interact with anyone—and it stinks.

I’ve always found that I have more acquaintances than friends. That’s probably due, in part, to moving around a lot as a child; I didn’t have much time to make long-term friendships. But I’ve been in Arizona since 2000 and in Phoenix since 2005. I’ve made a lot of friends, but most of them aren’t “good” friends that I can call at any point and say, “Hey, what are you doing? Want to go out somewhere?”

Sure, I have had friends like that, but the issue is that they’ve almost always been men. That in itself is not a bad thing, but once those men begin dating seriously, they have no room for an odd woman out. And if I keep calling my two male friends all the time, it seems like we’re dating…and that’s just weird on a few levels.

Today, I was on Craig’s List and found an ad aptly titled “Not Looking for Another Facebook Friend”—and I responded. It’s good to know that I’m not the only one who feels like life has become tied to a computer screen. Ironically, I go out a lot for networking events and such, but we don’t seem to forge traditional friendships. What is wrong with us, and what does this mean for the future of our society?

Care to leave a comment?