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The Boyfriend-less Saga

  • October 19, 2010 at 9:58 am

I went to an event last week at which the presenter was talking about a bit of tunnel vision. For instance, when I was pregnant, I saw all the pregnant women. And when I first bought my car, it seemed that every car on the road was a Nissan Xterra. Now, I’m seeing people in relationships. All of my recently divorced friends are changing their Facebook statuses to “in a relationship,” and a few have recently gotten engaged. Yet here I stand, single.

The odd thing about it is, well, I’m totally good with it. Honestly, I don’t want to date anyone at the moment. I have enough stress in my life with my job, and when I’m not working, I’m enjoying my time with Patrick. Where would dating possibly fit?

That “okayness” also got me thinking. When I was married the last time, our marriage counselor said I have some codependency issues. Typically, one partner is the addict while one is the codependent, and I have never had an addictive personality, so I guess I’d have to be the latter. While I’m accepting of that character flaw, I find it a little funny that I tend to be single for long stretches of time. It was 10 years between marriages, and in that stretch, I only had three relationships, none longer than two years. Although I’ve been on a few dates, I’ve essentially been single this time for going on 2 1/2 years.

I remember my mother once told me, “Make your family of friends,” and I think that’s where I am. I have two great male friends in my life, and I socialize just enough for my liking. I am also so looking forward to the cooler Phoenix weather to enjoy more fun outdoor events with Patrick. As he says, why would I need a man when I have him? I tend to agree.

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Single becomes me

  • October 7, 2010 at 5:00 pm

It’s funny how just a few weeks can change an attitude. Recently, I was searching for a date, using my connections to find a good man with whom to spend a few hours. Luckily for me, my friends delivered: I had two nice evenings on the town. No love connections were made, although I could totally see dating the second person again if he didn’t smoke. But that’s not why you’re here, is it?

What I’m determining is that I like being single. My ex-husband moved out more than two years ago, and since that time, I’ve come to enjoy having no one to answer to but myself. I like being able to sleep in, stay up late, veg out in front of the TV, or work until all hours of the night. My schedule is my own. Even with Patrick at home, my schedule and style are never adversely affected. He and I roll together in perfect harmony. So where would a man even begin to fit in that picture?

Certainly, there are lots of benefits with having a partner. The top ones I can think of are having someone to share bills, sex on demand, and a person with whom to share the day’s highs and lows. In actuality, though, no one is going to start paying for me from day one, sex can only happen with Patrick isn’t around (and I recently started flying solo), and I have Facebook for sharing. I have a ton of male friends, so that kind of testosterone is always in my life. Why do I need to look so hard?

Ironically, I’ve come to this conclusion before—and it’s usually right before I meet a long-term partner. The last one literally walked in my door. I’m happy now, and I like having the space to flex my muscles. But if you want to pay some bills, I won’t turn you away.

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Knocking on the door—but not going in

  • September 29, 2010 at 8:08 am

Yesterday I was talking about a friend, noticing that he is completely living in the past. He had a life that he loved a few years ago and he still fashions his life as if he lives there. In fact, he moved two years ago and still says, “I just moved here.” Sometimes it’s so much easier to see others’ faults….

So that analysis got me thinking … and thinking. I realized I spend a ton of my time thinking—or worrying, obsessing even—about my co-parenting situation. But that’s not helping me at all. In fact, it only causes me more consternation as the cycle continues.

Turns out I’m no better than the friend I was disparaging.

It kind of feels like I’m either walking backward into the past, or there is this beautiful door to my future that I’m not opening. I can’t say that I’m afraid of the future, but I am not sure I’m comfortable leaving the past.

During my morning walk today, I was—again—immersed in these thoughts about the situation. I realized that it’s not that I want my ex-husband back; it’s that I want life to be easy and carefree again. When a couple has a child, they should accept that the partnership is now cemented in stone and they should remain together. I mean, they’re together anyway because of the child, so why not make things easier and live together? Co-parenting when my ex chose to move nearly 50 miles away is far from easy. (Obviously, I have feelings of anger and blame about the situation, even now.)

As part of my daily “I am” affirmations/manifestations, I am training myself to redirect my thoughts. When I get mired in thoughts of despair over the situation with my ex, I use the virtual smelling salts to snap myself out of it and replace those thoughts with something positive. I have a great life and an amazing son. I focus on those aspects. I create the situation in a way that works for everyone—especially Patrick. That door knob is in my grasp and I am opening it.

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And baby makes three?

  • September 27, 2010 at 10:03 am

I think I have always known I would only have one child. My astrological chart shows three, but that all makes sense now since I’ve had two abortions. Strangely enough, I patterned myself off my mom: a divorced mother of one child. I guess that became a self-fulfilling prophecy!

Then, the other day, Patrick informed me he wants a little brother. Wha…? In the past, he’s always said he didn’t want any siblings. His father made a good point that Patrick knows how good he has it; why would he want to mess that up? So, when Patrick brought this up, I said that wouldn’t happen because I don’t have a man with whom to have a baby. His response? Dad. Oddly, though, he didn’t seem to have grand illusions of Mom and Dad reuniting; he visions the baby having the same parents but just him, me, and the new brother living together.

It’s always interesting to have conversations with four-year-olds because you never know quite what they’ll say or how they’ll rationalize it in their minds. To Patrick, he seems to have accepted that his parents aren’t together (he was two when his dad moved out, so he doesn’t even remember us as a family unit), and in his mind I don’t have a partner. But, of course, that doesn’t preclude the ability to add a sibling to the mix.

It’s always a possibility that Patrick will have a half-sibling from his dad, but I’m done with childbirthing. Not only do I not have a partner, but I’m also nearly 40, which makes the whole procreating issue much more challenging. Anyone have a brother we can borrow for Patrick?

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Wanted: One great date

  • September 14, 2010 at 4:32 pm

I recently joined the Redwood Alliance, a business advisory and networking group in Scottsdale. Part of what I love best at this group is the procrastination component, in which each member vows to complete something they either need to do or have been putting off. It can be business-oriented or personal. I’ve found it to be a great way to stay motivated, and it’s pushed me to start writing my book, which I plan to finish by the end of 2010.

This past week, I went out on a crazy limb with this component of the meeting. I said I would have a date with a man by the next meeting (9/23). Of course, that means I need to meet said man. Since I’m not online and I’ve exhausted the people in my network, I am reaching out for a referral of sorts.

As I’ve asked people I know if they know of anyone “dateable,” they’ve asked for specifics in what I’m seeking. Obviously, I know that a date does not a relationship make, so I’m not expecting to meet Mr. Right in the next two weeks, but I figure it’s better to put the specifics out there and see how close I can come. So, with that in mind, here’s my list of ideals in a man I would want:

  • Between 35 and 55
  • Between 5’8″ and 6′ tall
  • Fit, preferably with some defined muscle tone (aka, no fatties)
  • Attractive (subjective, I know, but Robert Downey, Jr, Bruce Willis, and Stephen Colbert are in this mix)
  • Educated: at least a bachelor’s degree
  • Financially secure
  • Emotionally secure
  • Not overly religious
  • Not overly political
  • Preferably no kids
  • Open-minded
  • Fun-loving
  • Cultured (and I mean more than he likes imported beer; that doesn’t count)
  • Has traveled outside the US and Mexico at least once
  • Non-smoker / non-drinker
  • Sarcastic and appreciates Family Guy, Kevin Smith movies, and that genre

This isn’t an exhaustive list, but it will hopefully give you some ideas of the kind of man who floats my boat. Of course, he has to be okay with me having a four-year-old son; Patrick is a non-negotiable part of the deal. Naturally, a new man wouldn’t meet Patrick for some time, but he is part of my package. I have been told I’m “a lot of woman to handle,” so any man in my life should be self-confident and able to handle a woman who can be a bit outspoken at times.

If you come up with ideas, let me know!

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“Date Night”: Art imitating life

  • September 10, 2010 at 11:08 am

If you didn’t see Date Night at the theater, it was recently released on DVD and I got it from Netflix this week. Wow. I already love Steve Carell from The Daily Show, the first season of The Office, and other movies, so I was completely in. The movie is funny—laugh-aloud funny—and there are ample scenes of a topless Marky Mark to keep the female viewers glued. The plot is hysterical how they get themselves into this crazy situation.

But there’s something more to Date Night.

If you take a bathroom break, you might miss the two poignant scenes that nearly brought tears to my eyes. When the main characters, Phil and Claire, are on their way out to their date in the car, John Mayer’s “Heartbreak Warfare” sets the scene as they discuss friends’ pending separation and how stagnant there relationship has become. Also in the car, there’s a power struggle about how Claire is exhausted all the time because she has to take care of everything—yet Phil argues that he wants to help, if only his wife would let him.

Man, who hasn’t heard this argument before? It seems the classic battle, and I know it was definitely the underlying story of my last marriage. She works, cleans, cooks, and takes care of the kids; he doesn’t help at all because he’s watching TV or doing his own thing. At least that’s how it appears from the woman’s side. To his credit, Phil held his own in the argument, telling her how much simpler her life would be if she’d just let him help.

Later in the movie he shows his manhood, although if you’ve not seen it to say more would give it away. Suffice to say that the experience of their adventure throughout the course of the film helps them to have a different view of their marriage, life, and family. So, if you’re interested in some funny stuff with a little message in there for couples (without having to read all of my blogs on The Love Dare), treat yourself and your partner to a viewing of Date Night. I think it might spark some conversation.

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“The Love Dare”: Love cherishes

  • September 9, 2010 at 7:58 am

Every night, as I’m going to bed and thinking about for what I’m thankful, my soon-to-come-into-my-life man is on that list. I specifically think about how we cherish each other, because I think that is an important component to keep love and romance alive in a relationship.

Today’s dare is to meet a need for your spouse. Run an errand, do some housework, or offer a back rub. Do something to show that you cherish him/her.

In our hectic lives, it’s not surprising that we take so much for granted. Work and daily stressors can take precedence and cause us to forget how good we have things. It kind of goes with another dare, love makes good impressions. We need to let others know we appreciate them—but that starts with knowing it ourselves by practicing gratitude. Patrick and I have instituted our nightly “thankful” list for this. The first thing on each of our lists is the other person, and I think that’s the way it should go in couples and families as well. This daily ritual helps us to slow down, reconnect, and remember what we value most in life.

If you don’t appreciate the people in your life, you’re missing out. Take time each day to be grateful for loved ones and then show them how much you care.

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“The Love Dare”: Love is unconditional

  • September 5, 2010 at 3:23 pm

I grew up believing 100% in unconditional love. I’m not sure why, exactly, since my mother used to threaten to shuttle me off places if I misbehaved, but maybe it was the allure of Disney films. I just knew that once someone got into my heart, that person would be there forever. Of that I had no doubt. Apparently, I was in the minority.

Today’s dare is to do something out of the ordinary for your spouse to prove that your love is based on choice and nothing else.

One theme that runs through this book is that love is a choice. I really appreciate that stance. You can choose to give up when things get hard, or you can choose to stay and fight. Unfortunately, our society has become very disposable—despite the push for recycling. If you don’t like your job, you find a new one. If your house doesn’t fit your style anymore, you move. Can’t have your cat in the new place? Then it needs to find a new home. Nowadays, people are walking away from relationships more and more—with partners and sometimes with children.

I have a child, and I cannot walk away from him ever. It’s just not in my nature. I even have a dog who drives me to drink sometimes, but he’s still around. That’s the way I live my life. I have been in love two times, and neither time did I end that relationship. But I also found that other people don’t love unconditionally. When my ex-husband cheated on me and I stayed, everyone questioned it. I loved him; when you love someone, it’s forever in my book. (If abuse is involved, staying usually is dangerous, so there are caveats.)

I’m curious to hear how others feel about unconditional love. Do you move along when you’re bored, or does that person stay in your heart forever? It will be sad to hear that I’m in the minority.

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“The Love Dare”: Love makes good impressions

  • September 4, 2010 at 3:22 pm

“Welcome home” means a lot more when we step away from our computers, head to the door, and greet our loved ones with a warm hug and kiss. It tells the other person we’re glad to see them and—maybe more importantly—that we love them.

Today’s dare is to think of a specific way you’d like to greet your spouse today and do it. Resolve to change the way you greet him or her to reflect your love.

Kids and animals have this down. One of my favorite times of each day is when I get Patrick, either from school or his dad. Each time, I am greeted with a huge hug (and a kiss, if I’m lucky). It truly makes my day. It’s rare that he doesn’t come rushing over to me when I walk in the door. My dog is the same; he always greets me at the door with a wagging tail and entirely too many kisses. But do we do the same for our partners?

I know I’ve been guilty of this in my relationships. I’m in the middle of working, playing on the computer, or making dinner, and I don’t stop that task to say hello. Have you noticed that the first few moments of being together can set the tone for the rest of the day? It makes such a huge difference yet we seem to rarely take the time to greet each other warmly.

Think about how you would greet someone in the beginning of your relationship and aspire to continue making your love feel loved when you say hello. And I challenge you to do this on the phone as well as in person. You might see a big change in both of your attitudes.

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Who’s in charge here?

  • August 29, 2010 at 4:32 pm

Sometimes, it would be nice to have a time machine to go back and look at relationships to see if they really were like we’ve built them in our memories. It’s rare that we have the opportunity to get that hindsight view, unless we revisit that previous relationship—almost never a good idea.

Recently, though, I was able to get an insider’s view into my last marriage, courtesy of Patrick’s swimming lessons. A couple of weeks ago, J met us there to see P’s first lesson. It was the first time we’d done anything as a “family” in nearly two years, so it was a pretty big deal all in itself and I know Patrick enjoyed having both Mom and Dad cheering him on. J wouldn’t sit near me (apparently, I bite or smell funny) as we watched, but we did speak and interact. When P came out of class, there was hesitation on his parents’ part. Not because we didn’t want to greet him and tell him how proud we were; it had to do with our interaction as a couple (or ex-couple).

I can’t go back to the beginning of that relationship to say who took charge initially, but knowing me now, I’m guessing I always wanted J to be the take-charge half of our partnership. After swimming lessons, I yielded for him to jump forward. He didn’t. I had to. It kind of sums up the whole marriage—and probably a good reason it ended.

As much as we may all say we want a 50/50 relationship, someone has to be the proverbial “decision maker.” That control may alternate according to the topic at hand, but there still needs to be a person who is responsible for the final decision. You can’t run a successful business without a boss, and you can’t have a successful partnership without someone bearing the weight of being in charge.

Following that incident, I noticed again that the man in whom I’ve been putting all of my time and energy lately also hesitates in decision making. Even when the ball is clearly in his court with all signs signaling a go ahead, he won’t choose. I finally got smart and cut off that dead-end exchange. I’m now back on the block and hoping for someone who wants to be an entrepreneur in love.

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