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But would you break me out of jail?

  • October 22, 2010 at 4:26 pm

One of my favorite shows on TV this season is Castle. It’s mostly because Nathan Fillion is just awesome, but the show also has good chemistry between him and the female lead, as well as interesting plots. This week, one of the storylines involved a man who was risking everything to break his love out of prison after she’d been wrongly accused of involvement in a crime. One of the characters commented how THAT was a great indicator of true love. Sure, you can love someone, but would you risk everything to break him or her out of jail?

Who among us has someone in our life we love that much we’d risk it all for? I know I’d do it for my son, no question, but I don’t have a man for whom I would even consider that. Hell, I’m not even sure I’d do it for a great friend. I’m a law-abiding citizen, after all.

Perhaps this is why I’m single. I want too much from a relationship. I want to be so in love that I would risk everything for that person. I’ve only had that kind of love twice in my life, but in both instances, I had challenges sharing the depth of my love with my partner (or so he felt). It’s just so different with a child. There’s nothing in the world that would stop me from loving Patrick or wanting to save him. In fact, I recently had a very disturbing nightmare that I was dying after having driven off a cliff in a car. As the fear mounted in my belly, all I could think of was Patrick and how much I love him. THAT is the kind of love I want with a partner. I wonder how many people have a love of that level?

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RIP, navel ring

  • October 20, 2010 at 11:31 am

After five years of struggling with my navel ring and trying to get it to heal, my body finally rejected it this morning. Literally, it just fell out of my skin with a tiny pull, like a very loose tooth. Perhaps it’s the end of an era.

I got my navel ring in 2005, shortly after I started dating my ex-husband. It wasn’t planned. I went to a piercing store as an event with some friends and decided a navel ring would be a good idea. I chose silver with garnets, my birthstone. Within a few months, though, I found out I was pregnant, so I had the ring removed during the pregnancy. Then, after I’d lost a chunk of the weight, I got the hole re-pierced in late 2006.

Since then, I’ve had nothing but challenges with the piercing. It’s been red, pussy, and just never healed. I couldn’t figure out how to get the ring out (still can’t get it open), so I just kept it in there and tried to leave it alone as much as possible. Since yesterday, it’s been so close to the surface of the skin that I could see the silver all the way through. After a hike this morning with Patrick, I looked at it and thought, “I can probably just pull it out. It’s only hanging on by a thread of skin.” So I did.

If I believed in symbolism, I might say this signifies that my life that started with getting the piercing is truly in the past. Or I could just say that my body doesn’t much agree with navel rings. Either way, I have this awesome ring and no hole in which to wear it. Odd.

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The Boyfriend-less Saga

  • October 19, 2010 at 9:58 am

I went to an event last week at which the presenter was talking about a bit of tunnel vision. For instance, when I was pregnant, I saw all the pregnant women. And when I first bought my car, it seemed that every car on the road was a Nissan Xterra. Now, I’m seeing people in relationships. All of my recently divorced friends are changing their Facebook statuses to “in a relationship,” and a few have recently gotten engaged. Yet here I stand, single.

The odd thing about it is, well, I’m totally good with it. Honestly, I don’t want to date anyone at the moment. I have enough stress in my life with my job, and when I’m not working, I’m enjoying my time with Patrick. Where would dating possibly fit?

That “okayness” also got me thinking. When I was married the last time, our marriage counselor said I have some codependency issues. Typically, one partner is the addict while one is the codependent, and I have never had an addictive personality, so I guess I’d have to be the latter. While I’m accepting of that character flaw, I find it a little funny that I tend to be single for long stretches of time. It was 10 years between marriages, and in that stretch, I only had three relationships, none longer than two years. Although I’ve been on a few dates, I’ve essentially been single this time for going on 2 1/2 years.

I remember my mother once told me, “Make your family of friends,” and I think that’s where I am. I have two great male friends in my life, and I socialize just enough for my liking. I am also so looking forward to the cooler Phoenix weather to enjoy more fun outdoor events with Patrick. As he says, why would I need a man when I have him? I tend to agree.

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Single becomes me

  • October 7, 2010 at 5:00 pm

It’s funny how just a few weeks can change an attitude. Recently, I was searching for a date, using my connections to find a good man with whom to spend a few hours. Luckily for me, my friends delivered: I had two nice evenings on the town. No love connections were made, although I could totally see dating the second person again if he didn’t smoke. But that’s not why you’re here, is it?

What I’m determining is that I like being single. My ex-husband moved out more than two years ago, and since that time, I’ve come to enjoy having no one to answer to but myself. I like being able to sleep in, stay up late, veg out in front of the TV, or work until all hours of the night. My schedule is my own. Even with Patrick at home, my schedule and style are never adversely affected. He and I roll together in perfect harmony. So where would a man even begin to fit in that picture?

Certainly, there are lots of benefits with having a partner. The top ones I can think of are having someone to share bills, sex on demand, and a person with whom to share the day’s highs and lows. In actuality, though, no one is going to start paying for me from day one, sex can only happen with Patrick isn’t around (and I recently started flying solo), and I have Facebook for sharing. I have a ton of male friends, so that kind of testosterone is always in my life. Why do I need to look so hard?

Ironically, I’ve come to this conclusion before—and it’s usually right before I meet a long-term partner. The last one literally walked in my door. I’m happy now, and I like having the space to flex my muscles. But if you want to pay some bills, I won’t turn you away.

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