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Sometimes, it would be nice to have a time machine to go back and look at relationships to see if they really were like we’ve built them in our memories. It’s rare that we have the opportunity to get that hindsight view, unless we revisit that previous relationship—almost never a good idea.
Recently, though, I was able to get an insider’s view into my last marriage, courtesy of Patrick’s swimming lessons. A couple of weeks ago, J met us there to see P’s first lesson. It was the first time we’d done anything as a “family” in nearly two years, so it was a pretty big deal all in itself and I know Patrick enjoyed having both Mom and Dad cheering him on. J wouldn’t sit near me (apparently, I bite or smell funny) as we watched, but we did speak and interact. When P came out of class, there was hesitation on his parents’ part. Not because we didn’t want to greet him and tell him how proud we were; it had to do with our interaction as a couple (or ex-couple).
I can’t go back to the beginning of that relationship to say who took charge initially, but knowing me now, I’m guessing I always wanted J to be the take-charge half of our partnership. After swimming lessons, I yielded for him to jump forward. He didn’t. I had to. It kind of sums up the whole marriage—and probably a good reason it ended.
As much as we may all say we want a 50/50 relationship, someone has to be the proverbial “decision maker.” That control may alternate according to the topic at hand, but there still needs to be a person who is responsible for the final decision. You can’t run a successful business without a boss, and you can’t have a successful partnership without someone bearing the weight of being in charge.
Following that incident, I noticed again that the man in whom I’ve been putting all of my time and energy lately also hesitates in decision making. Even when the ball is clearly in his court with all signs signaling a go ahead, he won’t choose. I finally got smart and cut off that dead-end exchange. I’m now back on the block and hoping for someone who wants to be an entrepreneur in love.