Collins Family News Thoughts and pictures from Amanda

Recently, as I was talking with my friend C about my ongoing “evolution” to be more in touch with my feminine side, I said, “You know, I’m realizing I do think like a woman a lot of the time.” On the other end of the phone, the response was, “It’s about f—ing time you saw that!”

Sometimes the obvious is right in front of us, whether or not we can see it ourselves. I do think a lot like a woman, and I have either gotten more in touch with what was lying dormant or I have developed a more feminine sense; regardless, I am evolving. Part of that is knowing why I’ve been the way I’ve been for so long.

As an only child with—well, let’s face it—pretty nutty parents, I was on my own a lot. My mother once told me, “You can only rely on yourself.” I was taught NOT to need anyone—so I didn’t. Then, when I wanted to really allow a man to be the man, I found that he either couldn’t be or I really wasn’t fully letting him be. So I again took over, and I kind of got used to being in control.

Now, as I’m fast approaching 40, I’m tired. I’m tired of having to take the reins all the time. Tired of “the buck stops here” sign that hangs around my neck. I’m more than ready to have a man take care of me.

Every night as I’m lying in bed thinking about for what I’m grateful, I also think about the man in my life (who’s not here yet). I thank him for having the confidence to allow me autonomy and occasional control bouts, but I also am happy to respect, admire, and appreciate him. On the flip side, I am thankful that he loves and cherishes me while helping me to feel safe.

Each of us has a role to play in a strong and healthy relationship. I think I’m finally learning what I want mine to be.