Collins Family News Thoughts and pictures from Amanda

I have a male friend I’ve been “not dating” for five months now. I say it that way because we met on a dating site online and we spend a lot of time together—but we’ve never held hands, kissed, or done anything else remotely physically intimate. You might be sitting there thinking, “Then that’s a friend.” Well, yes, but the difference is that there’s an underlying attraction—on both sides.

All of my life, I have attracted male friends. Right off the top of my head, I can come up with nearly a dozen names of male friends I currently have. But those are just friends. Some are married, for others there’s not mutual attraction, and with some we both know it would be a poor match. There, it’s all pretty clear cut.

When Harry Met Sally…: men and women can’t be friends, part 1

In the above clip from my favorite movie, Harry explains that men and women can never be friends because the sex thing always gets in the way. When they meet up later, Harry amends the previous rule by saying that, when men and women are in relationships with other people, they can be friends because the pressure is removed:

When Harry Met Sally…,: men and women can’t be friends, part 2

My male friend and I are in the first scenario: we are great friends AND we find each other attractive. Yet… nothing.

I’ve only had a couple of male friends where we’ve fit the situation I currently have. With an old high school friend, he declined crossing that line for fear of ever-changing our relationship. I tried every time we saw each other for a number of years, and he continued to rebuke my advances. I put him into “brother” category, and he and I are still great friends.

Now, though, it’s different. I see this man two to three times a week, we talk on the phone a number of times each week, and both our personal and professional lives have intertwined. All of the lines are blurred—except one.

I brought this all up last night—even the “When Harry Met Sally…” snippets. He said he thought about it too; essentially, we ARE dating, but with no sex. He jokingly said it’s kind of like we’re married. In fact, it kind of is. He’ll say things that have happened to him and expects me to know the details, as a husband would question a wife. I don’t know about you, but I really liked being married, and the physical intimacy was a good portion of that. Now, I fight back the urge to hold this man’s hand or snuggle with him on the couch as we’re watching a movie.

Then, there are the mixed signals. The other night, I leaned over, touched his arm, and said, “Thank you for dinner.” His response: “Thank you for everything.” We were out late recently and at his house, when he said, “You’re welcome to stay here—for a lot of reasons.” Anyone? Am I crazy to be confused? I did mention these points to him, and he said he had recently realized he was sending mixed signals and he apologized. I’ve sent those signals too, and it’s usually because I was on the fence about where I wanted things to go. But he says he doesn’t ruminate about this situation like I do. Ugh!

I would guess that men have this issue often, with their female friends planting them firmly in the friend category, never to be elevated to anything more. It’s pretty new to me, though, especially with such a good friend. This man is the person I want to talk to when something big happens. I really enjoy his company. We have similar views on so many topics. He’s sweet to my son, which is a huge thing for me. He’s a gentleman. He’s attractive, in a Clark Kent kind of way. And he has a hairy chest, which completely weakens my knees. I care deeply for him, yet I’m considering ending our friendship to allow me the room to find a man with whom I can build something more than friendship. What are your thoughts?