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Codependence: Does it take two?

  • March 28, 2010 at 1:11 pm

Just looking at the word, one might automatically assume that codependency refers to two people being so interconnected that one cannot survive without the other. In fact, that’s what I always thought, which was a big reason I never wanted to need anyone. I was trying to avoid that codependency. Of course, the truth is that when a love relationship ends without your wanting it to, it often feels as if your arm has been ripped from its socket. But that is not codependency; that is a deep love and connection.

According to Wikipedia, codependency is marked by low self-esteem, self-sabotaging behavior in relationships, and a need to control. Typically, it is a learned behavior from our preponderance of dysfunctional homes in which one parent is some kind of addict while the other is codependent and enables the negative behavior, due to feelings of unworthiness or fear of being alone. Often, it seems as if the addict-codependent relationship is the status quo among couples. In fact, in my past, I married two addicts and dated both addicts and codependents. I used to believe that the same characteristics could not live within one person, but the more I think about it, I think someone can really be both. I’m pretty sure my ex-husband has that capacity. So does that mean an addict needs a codependent or vice versa?

The more I learn, the more I think not. I’m not exactly sure why we choose who we do in relationships, but I have heard of addicts partnering with other addicts, codependents living in harmony, and pretty normal folks doing great. The scarier part is that I’m not sure I know too many in the last category; most of my normal friends seem to be single. In fact, when a friend said to me, “Think of the happily married couples you know…” I had to admit I’m not sure I know any. Sure, on the surface they may seem to be, but I know a bit of the “behind-the-scenes” stuff and most are struggling as I have in the past. What’s the solution?

Codependents Anonymous offers these patterns and characteristics as a tool to aid in self-evaluation.

Denial Patterns:

  • I have difficulty identifying what I am feeling.
  • I minimize, alter, or deny how I truly feel.
  • I perceive myself as completely unselfish and dedicated to the well being of others.

Low Self-Esteem Patterns:

  • I have difficulty making decisions.
  • I judge everything I think, say, or do harshly, as never “good enough.”
  • I am embarrassed to receive recognition and praise or gifts.
  • I do not ask others to meet my needs or desires.
  • I value others’ approval of my thinking, feelings, and behavior over my own.
  • I do not perceive myself as a lovable or worthwhile person.

Compliance Patterns:

  • I compromise my own values and integrity to avoid rejection or others’ anger.
  • I am very sensitive to how others are feeling and feel the same.
  • I am extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situations too long.
  • I value others’ opinions and feelings more than my own and am afraid to express differing opinions and feelings of my own.
  • I put aside my own interests and hobbies in order to do what others want.
  • I accept sex when I want love.

Control Patterns:

  • I believe most other people are incapable of taking care of themselves.
  • I attempt to convince others of what they “should” think and how they “truly” feel.
  • I become resentful when others will not let me help them.
  • I freely offer others advice and directions without being asked.
  • I lavish gifts and favors on those I care about.
  • I use sex to gain approval and acceptance.
  • I have to be “needed” in order to have a relationship with others.

Obviously, just like a horoscope, everyone can see themselves in the above. It’s more about if you define yourself by the indicators. Even though my marriage counselor said I have some codependency issues, I only see a few of these as describing me. Most of the ones with which I identify relate to the end of my marriage, such as staying longer than I should have – because of having a small child.

Where do you see yourself on the spectrum? Do you think codependency can happen in a vacuum or is another person needed?

Care to leave a comment?

Do you “need” your partner?

  • March 26, 2010 at 4:28 pm

Do you ever notice that songs sometimes seem to be speaking just to you? I feel like that from time to time, and this morning one got to me. I was listening to my iPhone while I was getting ready for work and Train’s “Hopeless” came on. I love Train, but I’m pretty sure I had not really heard the song before. If I had, I surely hadn’t been listening. The song, sung from a man’s perspective, says that the woman needs no one. That got me thinking. Since feminism sprouted in the 70s, women have been told not to need a man. “We can do it ourselves!” is the mantra. Unfortunately, men want to feel needed in a relationship. They crave it; it makes them feel whole and loved.

I know this firsthand. I never wanted to need anyone. I felt that was somehow admitting defeat. Instead, I presented myself as independent and self-sufficient. My choice was to run when things got tough. After all, I didn’t need my partner, did I? Why not get the hell out of there? Even my ex-husband told me at one point, “You’re a rock; you don’t need anyone.” I will never forget where I was or how I felt when he told me that. I wasn’t that person – not by a long shot – but that’s the story I was telling him – and anyone else who would listen. He had every reason to think that about me because I had sold him a bill of goods.

I’ve learned that it’s not weak to need someone or something. In my quest to become vulnerable, I ride a fine line between being an independent single mom and business owner while remaining open to having a partner in my life. I will admit that, while I can certainly survive without one, once that partner appears, I will need him to stay. It’s not easy to say that, let me tell you, but I know it’s a huge part of what a man has to hear to be completely immersed in a relationship. Their genetic makeup tells them they have to take care of their women. If she won’t let him, he feels as if he’s failed. Another poignant memory for me is when an ex told me he hated that I said another male friend from high school was my best friend: “I’m your boyfriend. I want to be your best friend.” Translation: he wanted to feel needed and he didn’t.

Women, are you making the men in your life feel as if they’re the center of your world? I guarantee you that if you let down your guard a bit, the rewards will be unlimited. He will reciprocate by putting you on a pedestal and ensuring that you are well taken care of. Damn feminism; it really is screwing up with the male-female dynamic.

Here’s the aforementioned song. Take a listen and see if you can relate.

Care to leave a comment?

Showing love

  • March 22, 2010 at 7:42 am

How do you feel loved? I was thinking about that as I fell asleep last night. Everyone feels loved in different ways, but I fear that we just assume that what makes us feel appreciated is universal. For my part, one of the things that makes me feel loved is when a man touches my face or pushes hair out of my face. I don’t know what that’s about, but it feels so intimate to me. It’s funny that sometimes Patrick does that to me when it’s windy and my hair gets in my eyes. Of course, there’s a huge difference in parent-child love, but I know he wouldn’t do that with just anyone.

When Jeff (my ex) and I were going through marriage counseling, one of the exercises our counselor gave us was to write down how we felt loved. I’m not even sure if this one made my list. I remember that Jeff said when I cooked for him he felt loved. I think both of us were thinking of more superficial, everyday things, because saying “I love you” made my list. That’s kind of obvious, of course, but it counts. I think if I had to make that list now, it would look like this (in no particular order):

  • Touching my face
  • Calling when we’re apart just to say hi and “I love you”
  • Kissing me for no reason and with no expectations
  • Walking on the street side of the sidewalk when we’re walking together
  • Telling me “I love you”
  • Touching my hand or leg when we’re sitting together

I’m sure there are plenty more because there are a million ways to show and receive love. I’ve not been in a relationship for years now, so these probably more represent the things I miss most.

How do you feel loved?

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