Sometimes, it would be nice to have a time machine to go back and look at relationships to see if they really were like we’ve built them in our memories. It’s rare that we have the opportunity to get that hindsight view, unless we revisit that previous relationship—almost never a good idea.
Recently, though, I was able to get an insider’s view into my last marriage, courtesy of Patrick’s swimming lessons. A couple of weeks ago, J met us there to see P’s first lesson. It was the first time we’d done anything as a “family” in nearly two years, so it was a pretty big deal all in itself and I know Patrick enjoyed having both Mom and Dad cheering him on. J wouldn’t sit near me (apparently, I bite or smell funny) as we watched, but we did speak and interact. When P came out of class, there was hesitation on his parents’ part. Not because we didn’t want to greet him and tell him how proud we were; it had to do with our interaction as a couple (or ex-couple).
I can’t go back to the beginning of that relationship to say who took charge initially, but knowing me now, I’m guessing I always wanted J to be the take-charge half of our partnership. After swimming lessons, I yielded for him to jump forward. He didn’t. I had to. It kind of sums up the whole marriage—and probably a good reason it ended.
As much as we may all say we want a 50/50 relationship, someone has to be the proverbial “decision maker.” That control may alternate according to the topic at hand, but there still needs to be a person who is responsible for the final decision. You can’t run a successful business without a boss, and you can’t have a successful partnership without someone bearing the weight of being in charge.
Following that incident, I noticed again that the man in whom I’ve been putting all of my time and energy lately also hesitates in decision making. Even when the ball is clearly in his court with all signs signaling a go ahead, he won’t choose. I finally got smart and cut off that dead-end exchange. I’m now back on the block and hoping for someone who wants to be an entrepreneur in love.
The goal with love is that you trust explicitly and implicitly. Because we love, we open our hearts and pledge to be honest. The other side of that equation, of course, is that we trust. In a perfect world, this works perfectly.
Recently, as I was talking with my friend C about my ongoing “evolution” to be more in touch with my feminine side, I said, “You know, I’m realizing I do think like a woman a lot of the time.” On the other end of the phone, the response was, “It’s about f—ing time you saw that!”
Love is hard to offend and quick to forgive. That’s love, of course, not people. I’m sure we’d all like to embody all of the dares of this book in our relationships and life, but the truth is, we’re only human. As humans, life gets in the way. Work, kids, bills . . . everything in our everyday existence combines to make us cranky, short-tempered, and, well, irritable.
It might seem obvious that love would not be rude. I mean, you love the person, so why would you be rude? But, often, we are. Not only do we take our partners for granted, but we also tend to be more sarcastic and—sometimes—downright mean. I know I’ve been guilty of this, and I honestly didn’t even realize I was being rude. My ex finally called me on it, saying that I was very sarcastic to him, “picking” on him. To me, it was just playful banter; to him, it was rude.
After we’ve been with someone for a while—whether that person is a friend, partner, or business colleague—we naturally tend to take that relationship for granted, forgetting to take into consideration his or her feelings and treating them with acts of love.
From the moment we exit the womb, we’re centered on ourselves. Where’s the food? What’s all that light and noise? Would someone just take care of me? It’s embedded in our nature that, to survive, we have to put ourselves first. Unfortunately, many people never learn to put others first at some point, leading to numerous relationship issues.
I have a male friend I’ve been “not dating” for five months now. I say it that way because we met on a dating site online and we spend a lot of time together—but we’ve never held hands, kissed, or done anything else remotely physically intimate. You might be sitting there thinking, “Then that’s a friend.” Well, yes, but the difference is that there’s an underlying attraction—on both sides.
The saying “You catch more bees with honey….” couldn’t be more true in interpersonal relationships. Kindness should be at the root of your communications and the way in which you relate to everyone—friends, lovers, and strangers alike.