What Makes a Great Relationship?

  • January 20, 2012 at 7:25 pm

In the past two days, I have had some wonderful conversations with two very interesting, strong women. Both are in relationships. One has been married seven years and thinks it’s pretty much on the skids and ending quickly. The other has been dating her beau for two months and is sure he is the one. It was such a great contrast to see those different sides, especially since I’ve been for 3 1/2 years.

I end up talking to a lot of people about their relationships; I find them fascinating, and at some point, I’ll get around to writing a book about relationships. At the moment, however, I am kind of “gathering information.” It’s funny how the best relationships seem to have one thing in common: faith. As an atheist, this really intrigues me because, you know, I don’t have that kind of faith. Although I’ve met mostly Christians who are so happy, I did meet one Jewish couple as well (and that might just be because I know more Christians than Jews). Somehow, it seems that having an outside force makes the coupling stronger. But why is that?

My Christian friend and I discussed this. I think it’s challenging for we—as the mere humans we are, with all of our flaws and selfish approaches to life—to love others unconditionally. When we have the added accountability of an outside source, it seems to keep us more focused. As she explained it, marriage was created as a connection to Jesus and how he loved God. I don’t know that I agree with that, but if believers do, then they believe there’s a greater repercussion if they screw up the relationship. Another friend calls it starting with a foundation in Christ.

So what are your experiences or thoughts on the topic? Can non-believers create a high enough level of accountability to maintain a truly happy relationship? Or can it only happen when you “start with a foundation in Christ”?

Care to leave a comment?

Welcome Home, Little Girl

  • July 18, 2011 at 9:12 am

Me, 1974: Age 3

It seems odd to say that I’ve been working in recent years to become more feminine; after all, I am a female. However, I have always exhibited many more stereotypical male traits, and softening the edges is a journey. Although journeys in life are hardly ever completed, I hesitate to say I am here. I feel more like a “girl” today than I think I ever have in my life.

I think the awakening came recently when a few people called me pretty, even beautiful. The little girl inside me squealed with delight at those words. See, my parents never really doted on me in that way; instead, I was called “thunder thighs” and got the message I was never good enough. Although I moved past that many years ago, the little girl inside me is still there, and she is eager for praise.

I’ve also recently been wearing more “girly” clothes, even heels. I used to dress more business professional back in Western NY, but AZ is so casual that for many years my wardrobe has consisted of jeans and stretchy, comfortable clothes. I’m slowly expanding my horizons to include heels, form-fitting dresses, and clothes that showcase my figure, which I think is pretty nice.

While I read romantic fiction in my teens, I gave that up because I believed the fantasy couldn’t come true. Now, though, I am reading Nicholas Sparks’ The Choice and finding myself engrossed. Who am I to say fantasies cannot come true? There’s no rule that I cannot believe in achieving a happily ever after while still staying grounded in my day-to-day life.

That little girl is back, and I am happy to welcome her. I am comfortable with being feminine and enjoying all of the perks that come with being a woman. And I am still balancing that with the necessity of being a single mom and business owner—and I am loving both sides of it. I am proud to be a well rounded, complete human being who embodies all of the great traits I have.

And a decent dose of humor and sarcasm certainly helps to brighten the picture.

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Read My Lips

  • July 10, 2011 at 11:44 am

The other evening, I carpooled to a happy hour event with a male friend of mine. We parked in three-hour parking, and both of us agreed that we would likely be ready to leave in that time period. However, when the time came, there was a one-hour discussion about whether or not we were leaving.

My friend asked me point blank if I was ready to leave. I said yes more than once. Yet, the discussion continued. Because I was concerned about getting a parking ticket, I agreed to take the car to another location where more friends would be. Even then, though, my friend somehow thought that we were just moving the car and heading back to the same bar.

At the next location, he asked me to let him know when I wanted to leave. “I wanted to leave two hours ago,” I said. I explained that I had told him that a number of times, but I was now willing to stay at this location until 11 pm, but at that point, I would be leaving—with or without him. He wanted to continue the discussion ad naseam, but I cut it short saying I was leaving at 11. End of discussion.

What is it with communication? I said exactly what I meant, I didn’t stutter or waffle about it, and yet my male friend still figured I meant something else. He explained that he is used to women saying one thing and meaning another, so he rarely takes women at their word. What? I’m sorry, but that’s just ridiculous. Have women changed the communication spectrum that much that I have to figure out how to say things backwards so men understand me? Why can’t we just say what we mean?

What are your thoughts on the topic?

4 Comments on Read My Lips

How to Move Past a Relationship: Break Free or Integrate?

  • July 5, 2011 at 9:04 am

Recently, a friend of mine celebrated the end of her decades-long relationship with multiple Facebook posts, in the form of YouTube clips, about being free and moving on. My ex-husband has planned his next wedding just days before what would have been our wedding anniversary. How do you move on after a relationship? And how do you know what’s right for you?

A friend of mine told me that she purges her memories by “reclaiming” haunts frequented by her and her ex. In a book I’m reading, it suggests steering clear of those places that pull up memories. For me, I think it’s a bit of both. I typically wallow for a bit and then start to reclaim to move on. But that’s just me.

I’ve been married twice. I met both men in late January / early February. The first I married in October, the second in July. It never occurred to me to have the weddings in the same month; in fact, although I loved the fall wedding, that time was tainted for me. July wasn’t a first option, but a pregnancy that took earlier than expected expedited the original plan to marry either in Hedonism or Vegas—in the pool and naked—probably in August. So now, both fall and summer are occupied.

Some people keep dates consistent regardless of partner. Perhaps it makes it easier for them to remember? And they often just bring their new partner into the fold with the same friends, same hotspots, and same hobbies. Others break free completely, reinventing themselves with each new partner: new favorite bands, movies, etc. Sure, I did that in my teens and 20s (which exposed me to all kinds of new things!), but at 40 I’m pretty set in my ways, and my life is more the consistent variety.

So what IS the best way to move past a relationship? I’d say that depends on the players, the length of the pairing, and the depth of emotions. Some people just bounce right back, and while I’d call that codependent, it seems to work for them. Some people take time to process the end of the relationship and find their level of closure. Others fall somewhere in the middle.

All I do know is that, if I marry again, it will be in Walt Disney World in late December. That’s the plan I’ve wanted forever, and I’ll make it happen this time. :-)

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A Man, a Plan, a Canal: Panama

  • June 20, 2011 at 9:37 am

I’ve not been blogging here often because, well, I’ve not had much to say. Instead, I’ve been sharing some things on Facebook with my trusted friends. Because of one of them, I’ve found a new book, Love in 90 Days. It’s really not a fall-in-love-quickly plan, but I’m guessing the title Love in a Half a Year probably wasn’t as catchy.

Some of the points of the book are that you must love yourself before you can be loved and most of us fall into “deadly dating patterns.” I found mine after a bit of self-reflection. I like the author’s style because, while she was subtly telling me I was guilty of “Not Perfect, I’ll Pass,” she was pointing out that I’m the one who isn’t perfect. I’m picky, picky, picky, and no one is good enough for me. In effect, I’m Seinfeld; I run into the most minor flaws and magnify them. Whether it’s a close talker, big hands, or quiet talker, I make them wrong for it and don’t give them a chance. The truth, according to the author, is that we who do this are really pointing out the imperfections in ourselves and saying we’re not good enough for anyone else. It’s a preemptive strike to not allow anyone too close for fear they’ll hurt us.

I kind of feel like Tony Stark in Iron Man 2, reading the recap of himself from S.H.I.E.L.D.:

    “‘Tony Stark displays textbook narcissism.’ … Agreed.”

I don’t doubt that about myself. I’ve recently come to the realization that I’ve been selfish in relationships. I thought that my ex-husband and I shared a common Love Language (words of affirmation), meaning we should get along swimmingly. While sharing that with someone, I got smacked in the head that I was being too selfish then to care how he was feeling; it was all about me. Quite a big pill to swallow.

I’ll admit that I still believe there must be a physical connection and I will continue to be picky there, but I’m opening up to meeting different types of men. I’ve gone out on three first dates this month, and while neither side saw a spark, I keep putting myself out there. In the book, it’s suggested that it’s a numbers game; we have to meet a lot of people who don’t fit to find the one who does. And I’m supposed to date three men simultaneously so I don’t jump too quickly (shocking that I do that, I know!). I’m still looking for guy #1, but I know those three men are out there, and I will create a great connection where I’m open-minded and not as super judgmental. Bye-bye, selfishness. Hello, happiness!

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Sometimes the Dust Just Needs to Settle

  • May 10, 2011 at 12:27 pm

After my last blog (and accompanying posts on Facebook), I’ve had people tell me I am being used by the man in my life. “He just wants to keep you around for sex,” they say. But why does everyone assume that the man is using the woman? Couldn’t the woman be using the man? Or how about a mutual understanding where each party knows exactly what is happening and what to expect?

Last week, L told me he doesn’t see a future with me. Boom! It’s out on the table. The wacky part is that absolutely nothing has changed. The air has been cleared. The dust has settled. We still see each other when we can. We still go out and have a good time. The only distinction is the path on which we’re heading.

A woman might argue that she’s trying to shield my feelings. I’ll get hurt, she’ll say. I’ll end up falling for him. Perhaps. Friends with benefits can go many different ways: they can turn into something, they can stay just friends (no benefits), or they can end. It’s rare that the whole friends with benefits thing continues forever. But why do we need to plan anything? We both know the score. We communicate and we’re honest with each other. That’s way better than most relationships I’ve been in, whether just friends or long-term partnerships.

I’m back out in the dating world and I’m keeping all of my options open, whether with L or someone else. Since I kind of like having a go-to sex partner—and I’m not one to sleep around—this works for me. I can go out on dates with other men and see if there’s a spark. If so, I can table the “with benefits” part of my friendship with L to explore another path. But to completely end a friendship with a man who’s company I enjoy immensely? Well…that seems like cutting off my nose to spite my face.

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Romantic Illusions of Grandeur

  • May 4, 2011 at 6:12 pm

Okay, I’ll admit it: I’m a chick. Although I do think a lot like a man in many instances, I’ve been channeling my inner female a lot more in recent years. Like all women, I want the fairytale in my life. I listen to songs by John Mayer and I’m taken in by the romance and longing in the music and lyrics. Although I’ve been married and divorced twice, that doesn’t mean I have stopped looking for a wonderful man with whom to spend my life.

On that quest, I have been dating a really great guy for about two months now. It’s a go-with-the-flow kind of relationship, which hasn’t been classified as more than “dating.” Last night, though, he threw me a curve ball that made me feel like an outside observer to the events of my life. After watching Chasing Amy (a rather “charged” relationship movie, to be sure), L shared that he felt I was fishing for definition as to what we are and where we’re going. He then point-blank told me he doesn’t feel there’s a relationship potential there.

Although I could feel my face flush and wasn’t sure where to go next (mind you, we were six inches from each other since we were semi-snuggling at the time), I have to say that I have always appreciated his honesty. L is a psychologist, and he is a very straight shooter. We talked about it for a bit and, although I’m not sure exactly what happened, I think we’re right where we were when we started.

L is a self-admitted commitment-phobe. I’m a female, which means I am always looking for a relationship. I get it; he got freaked out. We both tend to overthink things, so he put on his thinking cap and thought that there are two big things he can’t enjoy with me: clothing-optional pool parties and dressing up in costumes. Since neither is a deal-breaker for me, I wonder about the drive behind them, but he’s certainly entitled to his opinion. He wanted me to not be misled if he wants an out, and he implied he’s not interested in an exclusive arrangement. However, when I asked how he would fit in another woman when he spends his time either with me, with his daughter, working, or playing poker, he wasn’t really sure how anyone else would fit.

After talking with some friends today, I realize that I’m doing okay with all of this. It’s only been two months, and I kind of like that we’re not planning a marriage or exchanging keys at this point. It’s still going with the flow. We already have two huge things: honesty and the ability to communicate. I’m open to date others, as is L, so we’ll see where the future leads us.

But, yes, I still want the fairytale.

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Walking Slowly and Feeling More

  • April 16, 2011 at 10:04 pm

It’s interesting to see my feelings about my current relationship with L from the outside looking in. I’m pretty sure I’ve never been quite this objective in the past. Now, however, I notice that my feelings for this wonderful man are growing. It’s slow, steady, and unhurried. We’re building a friendship and connection, and I really like this different approach.

It’s such a new experience to “grow” feelings. In the past, I’ve been more the type to just jump into the deep end of the emotional pool and profess my undying love within days or weeks of meeting someone. Honestly, that was the lust talking, not the love. Now, I feel like I’m planting a garden. I’m amazed at how much I truly LIKE L. He’s really wonderful and giving, and I appreciate him in a way I don’t think I ever appreciated anyone in the past.

What’s different? I’m getting to know L by spending quality time together, learning more about him each time we’re in the same room. We haven’t talked on the phone, we don’t email often, and the only way we speak outside of in person is through 30-minute to one-hour text conversations a couple of evenings a week. That means that we maximize our time together. We talk. We listen. And, yes, we make love. But it’s a connection that feels kind of old fashioned. We’re “courting.” I don’t know that I’ve really ever done that before.

In the past, I guess I’ve approached relationships with some semblance of desperation. Within weeks, we’re in love. Typically, a month or two later, we’re living together. We don’t take time to get to know each other. There’s a lot to be said for tending a relationship and allowing it to take shape on its own rather than forcing it to grow by adding deadlines or expectations. With any luck, it’ll continue on this slow-moving path and turn into something long lasting and life changing.

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Labeling Relationships, Labeling Life

  • March 28, 2011 at 8:40 am

The other night, as I was speaking with the man I’m dating, Seinfeld’s quip that 95% of the population is undateable came up. I’ve long agreed with this, and since L is also a big Seinfeld fan, it’s not surprising that he believes it’s true as well. The conversation went all around the place and then he said it depends on where you put that person: doable, dateable, or relationshipable (fun with words!). Obviously, the percentages would be different based on how you choose to label a person.

I guess I never really it broke down like that—at least not consciously. But it’s probably true that there are people we would do, but we would never date those people because they’re morons or something. That distinction is pretty clear. However, what about the distinction between someone being dateable or eligible for a relationship? Aren’t those pretty much the same?

I would say that some people go through the cycles: when we first meet, we judge on looks, so that’s doable. Then, during that first conversation, you can make a determination as to whether or not you would date that person. Then, after you date for a bit, you know if you’re interested in putting some skin in the game or just keeping it casual. I did ask L if he feels that people run through this mill, but he wouldn’t commit to that. Apparently, for him, it’s not a clear progression from do to date to relationship.

This is pretty obvious in what we have going on. Although I really like him, I wouldn’t consider L my boyfriend. I don’t even say I’m in a relationship; I say I’m dating someone. It feels more casual but with a purpose to me that way. Nothing is locked in and I’m not emotionally invested, but there is potential.

It’s funny how differently I view the world at 40 and as a single mom than I did at even 33, single, and without a child. Then, it was all about finding “the one.” I jumped quickly most of my life, considering myself in love within weeks or months of starting to hang out with someone new. Now, however, it’s much more laid back. I have that child I always wanted, and he is my #1 priority. I don’t put myself or him in harm’s way by hooking up randomly (although, truthfully, I only did that a couple of times back in the day). I don’t look at men as potential fathers and providers for my unborn child. I am relaxed and willing to take my time to be sure this is a viable partnership. I’ve been married twice and, while I loved being married, I hate that I’ve been divorced twice. This next relationship is going to last if we go down that path.

I’m curious of your thoughts on this topic. Has age or having children mellowed you? Do you need a label to define your relations? And do you concur that 95% of the population is, indeed, undateable? In actuality, I think it might be even less, especially given these guidelines.

Care to leave a comment?

Dropping the L Word

  • March 17, 2011 at 8:18 am

Lately, I’ve spoken to a couple of my guy friends who are in relationships, and the L word has come up in the conversation. Although it should come as no surprise to anyone, I’m seeing a real discrepancy between how men and women approach the word. We women tend to throw it out willy-nilly, telling people we love them within weeks of starting to date. Men, on the other hand, wait because that word signifies to them so much more than just a word.

I can kind of see where the disparity is, and I can agree with both sides of the issue. As a woman, I do tend to care about people, and when intimacy enters the picture, those feelings are boosted. I’ve been dating a man for a month now, and although I certainly do care about him, it’s way too soon to say that I love him. However, when in the throes of passion, crazy thoughts and feelings can run through your head (no, neither of us has said anything).

Kristi DeWitt has written a great book, Stories from the Dating Trenches, and she suggests that at no point should a woman utter the L word first. I believe that is a good idea. As a general rule, women are much more emotional creatures, and we have all of these feelings just looking for a target. A man shows us some affection and those emotions get pointed in his direction.

A friend told me that women are always looking for “the one”—even if they don’t think they are. I disputed that point at first, but as he says, he’s always right. Although I’m not ready to move in with someone or get married or do anything like that too soon, I do sometimes picture a future with the man I’m dating. On the surface, I know it’s completely ridiculous; we both have a child and we’ve only known each other a month. But underneath that reality, I tend to romanticize things and—despite my protestations—I am a woman and I do want to be in a relationship. It’s a balancing act to check in with my head and my heart, all the while putting my son first and knowing that any choices I make need to have his best interests at the forefront.

For now, I will lavish my love on my son and my friends and reserve the L word for use with my guy until some time has passed and I’m sure I actually do feel it. Uttering it too quickly in the past got me nowhere—in a hurry.

Care to leave a comment?