Who’s in charge here?

  • August 29, 2010 at 4:32 pm

Sometimes, it would be nice to have a time machine to go back and look at relationships to see if they really were like we’ve built them in our memories. It’s rare that we have the opportunity to get that hindsight view, unless we revisit that previous relationship—almost never a good idea.

Recently, though, I was able to get an insider’s view into my last marriage, courtesy of Patrick’s swimming lessons. A couple of weeks ago, J met us there to see P’s first lesson. It was the first time we’d done anything as a “family” in nearly two years, so it was a pretty big deal all in itself and I know Patrick enjoyed having both Mom and Dad cheering him on. J wouldn’t sit near me (apparently, I bite or smell funny) as we watched, but we did speak and interact. When P came out of class, there was hesitation on his parents’ part. Not because we didn’t want to greet him and tell him how proud we were; it had to do with our interaction as a couple (or ex-couple).

I can’t go back to the beginning of that relationship to say who took charge initially, but knowing me now, I’m guessing I always wanted J to be the take-charge half of our partnership. After swimming lessons, I yielded for him to jump forward. He didn’t. I had to. It kind of sums up the whole marriage—and probably a good reason it ended.

As much as we may all say we want a 50/50 relationship, someone has to be the proverbial “decision maker.” That control may alternate according to the topic at hand, but there still needs to be a person who is responsible for the final decision. You can’t run a successful business without a boss, and you can’t have a successful partnership without someone bearing the weight of being in charge.

Following that incident, I noticed again that the man in whom I’ve been putting all of my time and energy lately also hesitates in decision making. Even when the ball is clearly in his court with all signs signaling a go ahead, he won’t choose. I finally got smart and cut off that dead-end exchange. I’m now back on the block and hoping for someone who wants to be an entrepreneur in love.

“The Love Dare”: Love is not jealous

  • August 27, 2010 at 8:20 pm

The goal with love is that you trust explicitly and implicitly. Because we love, we open our hearts and pledge to be honest. The other side of that equation, of course, is that we trust. In a perfect world, this works perfectly.

Today’s dare is to take your previously made list of negative attributes about your spouse and discreetly burn it. Then share with your spouse how glad you are about a success he or she recently enjoyed.

The book describes two forms of jealousy: legitimate and illegitimate. The former happens when the person you love turns to another. Obviously, this is justifiable because one longs to have back what is rightfully his. The latter is based on selfishness. You want what someone else has, so you’re jealous.

I don’t know about everyone else, but my natural inclination is to not be jealous. That got a bit tainted when my ex-husband cheated on me and I started to second-guess EVERYTHING. It’s challenging to not act from that place now when new situations present themselves, so I have to breathe and think positive thoughts—and remember that love is not jealous.

On becoming a “woman”

  • August 24, 2010 at 9:11 pm

Recently, as I was talking with my friend C about my ongoing “evolution” to be more in touch with my feminine side, I said, “You know, I’m realizing I do think like a woman a lot of the time.” On the other end of the phone, the response was, “It’s about f—ing time you saw that!”

Sometimes the obvious is right in front of us, whether or not we can see it ourselves. I do think a lot like a woman, and I have either gotten more in touch with what was lying dormant or I have developed a more feminine sense; regardless, I am evolving. Part of that is knowing why I’ve been the way I’ve been for so long.

As an only child with—well, let’s face it—pretty nutty parents, I was on my own a lot. My mother once told me, “You can only rely on yourself.” I was taught NOT to need anyone—so I didn’t. Then, when I wanted to really allow a man to be the man, I found that he either couldn’t be or I really wasn’t fully letting him be. So I again took over, and I kind of got used to being in control.

Now, as I’m fast approaching 40, I’m tired. I’m tired of having to take the reins all the time. Tired of “the buck stops here” sign that hangs around my neck. I’m more than ready to have a man take care of me.

Every night as I’m lying in bed thinking about for what I’m grateful, I also think about the man in my life (who’s not here yet). I thank him for having the confidence to allow me autonomy and occasional control bouts, but I also am happy to respect, admire, and appreciate him. On the flip side, I am thankful that he loves and cherishes me while helping me to feel safe.

Each of us has a role to play in a strong and healthy relationship. I think I’m finally learning what I want mine to be.

“The Love Dare”: Love believes the best

  • August 22, 2010 at 8:17 am

Naturally, we want to think the best things about the person with whom we’ve chosen to share our life. But, after some time passes, those little negatives can become big thorns in our sides: leaving the toilet seat up, going out with boys until 2 am, usurping your authority in front of the children. . . . Feelings about these things can fester, and eventually, you may stop seeing your partner in that original glowing light of first love.

Today’s dare is to write the positive things you like about about your spouse on one sheet of paper and the negative things you dislike on another. Pick one positive attribute for which to thank your spouse. Then put the sheets away in a private location for later.

I’m big on the pros and cons lists, but I’m also a big believer in both love and trust. These are hard to maintain when one is dishonest, though. I know; my husband cheated on me. I would have loved to believe him when he said he was done with that—and I did at first—but it was so hard when everything kept coming up. I started to snoop for things. Unfortunately, I found them. Trust, once lost, is VERY hard to restore.

The book suggests we have two mental rooms in which we categorize our partners: the Appreciation Room and the Depreciation Room. At the beginning of a relationship, the former reigns supreme, but given a bit of time, the latter tends to fill up. Love doesn’t deny that such a negative room exists, but it chooses not to live there. The book suggests taking up permanent residence in your Appreciation Room so that you will see all of the good things your spouse brings to your life and marriage.

People often tend to show up in the way we see them. If we give them room to flourish, they will usually rise to the challenge. But if we only see them as the negative aspects of their personality, those traits will seem amplified with each interaction. Choose to see your partner for the good s/he adds to your life and they’ll typically deliver.

“The Love Dare”: Love is not irritable

  • August 19, 2010 at 8:08 am

Love is hard to offend and quick to forgive. That’s love, of course, not people. I’m sure we’d all like to embody all of the dares of this book in our relationships and life, but the truth is, we’re only human. As humans, life gets in the way. Work, kids, bills . . . everything in our everyday existence combines to make us cranky, short-tempered, and, well, irritable.

Today’s dare is to choose to react to tough circumstances in your marriage with loving ways instead of with irritation. You should make a list of areas where you need to add margin to your schedule and then list any wrong motivations you need to release from your life.

I, for one, have been easily irritated generally, not just in love. A glaring example is my proclivity for dating / marrying men who can’t make decisions. It’s like I set myself up for a fall by being with these fence-sitters. Thanks in large part to my wonderful son, I am gaining considerable patience of late. I also have taken note that, in business interactions, people need time to come to conclusions and they don’t always understand what I’m telling them or my motivation behind it. Their “stupidity” irritates me, but the truth is that they’re not stupid; they may be ignorant of what I’m trying to convey, but that doesn’t mean I can’t take a moment to teach them.

“Being easily angered is an indicator that a hidden area of selfishness or insecurity is present where love is supposed to rule” (p 28). The reason behind that feeling might be lust, bitterness, greed, or pride, among others. Love calms the heart and allows you to take a breath before spouting with anger. It gives you clarity and shines a light on why you chose this partner in the first place.

The next time someone in your life makes your blood boil—even just a little bit—take a moment to breath. Count to 10. Then remember that you love this person and that she or he is probably not trying to annoy you. Try a hug instead of a “look.” It might turn into something extraordinary.

“The Love Dare”: Love is not rude

  • August 18, 2010 at 7:51 am

It might seem obvious that love would not be rude. I mean, you love the person, so why would you be rude? But, often, we are. Not only do we take our partners for granted, but we also tend to be more sarcastic and—sometimes—downright mean. I know I’ve been guilty of this, and I honestly didn’t even realize I was being rude. My ex finally called me on it, saying that I was very sarcastic to him, “picking” on him. To me, it was just playful banter; to him, it was rude.

Today’s dare is to ask your spouse to share two or three things you do that make him feel uncomfortable or irritate him. The goal, of course, is to shed some light on where you might be rude or discount your mate’s feelings.

“There are two main reasons why people are rude: ignorance and selfishness” (p 22). By asking the question of your partner, you’ll negate the first component. You can look back at a previous dare about the second component. The fact is, most times we’re thinking about ourselves and oblivious when we’re rude. We may not know what we’re doing. On the flip side, we may be trying to get across a point but aren’t sure the best way to do that.

That brings to mind a story my friend Steve shared, which I have continued to share with many people. Imagine that two guys are playing one-on-one basketball and one misses an easy lay-up. The other friend walks over, gives him a friendly punch, and says, “Pussy. That was an easy shot!” Feeling challenged, the first player will bring his all for the next round, easily making even the most challenging shot. Now, move that situation into the house with a married couple. He has been cleaning the bathroom, and she comes in after and says, “What’s this? I can clean better with my eyes closed!” Instead of “manning up,” the man feels emasculated—nagged. He vows to never clean the bathroom again. The truth, though, is that she is challenging him, wanting him to step up and ask, “How do you want it cleaned? You’ll be able to eat off this toilet!” Her attitude may be taken as rude, but she meant it as a challenge.

So check your language and your attitude. Even if you want to challenge, do it with kindness. Ask instead of demand. Treat your partner with respect and be sure to leave the door open for him or her to let you know when you’re being rude.

“The Love Dare”: Love is thoughtful

  • August 17, 2010 at 7:34 pm

After we’ve been with someone for a while—whether that person is a friend, partner, or business colleague—we naturally tend to take that relationship for granted, forgetting to take into consideration his or her feelings and treating them with acts of love.

Today’s dare is to contact your spouse at some time during the day with no agenda other than to ask how s/he is and if there’s anything you can do for them. Really, this is something we should be doing everyday anyway. It’s one of the things I love about being in a relationship: the daily call just to say hello. My heart would always skip a beat when I saw my guy’s name or number on the cell phone, and we’d have a 10- to 20-minute call about, well, nothing. But it didn’t matter because it was a way to reconnect.

Are you putting your partner first in your life and going out of your way to show that you care? A daily call, surprise visits to work, little notes in a lunch box … all of these things are great reminders of your love. Truly, it’s the little things that make up a great relationship. They don’t cost a lot of money (if anything) but they go really far in building a great foundation on love.

“The Love Dare”: Love is not selfish

  • August 16, 2010 at 8:33 am

From the moment we exit the womb, we’re centered on ourselves. Where’s the food? What’s all that light and noise? Would someone just take care of me? It’s embedded in our nature that, to survive, we have to put ourselves first. Unfortunately, many people never learn to put others first at some point, leading to numerous relationship issues.

Today’s dare is to buy your spouse something that says, “I was thinking of you today” with the thought that where we put our time, energy, and money becomes more important. This is very much a principle of the Law of Attraction: what we think about magnifies. If we think about ourselves, we get an inflated sense of ego, but if we think about that special someone, our love grows.

As the book points out, selfishness lives in direct opposition to love. Love is caring and giving. If you are giving because it makes you feel good, that too could be a form of selfishness. You need to give of yourself freely, sharing your love, your time, and your energy with this one person you’ve chosen as your partner.

The true benefit of putting your spouse first is that it typically comes back in spades. It’s kind of like the mission of BNI: givers gain. However, if you’re not ready to prioritize a partner—and you’re currently single—stay single. It’s okay to acknowledge times of selfishness, and in those times we need to adjust to accommodate. If you’re in a relationship, perhaps a night a week in which the two of you have some “me” time to re-energize you when you come back together. That may allow you to be more giving when it really matters.

Friends with (no) benefits

  • August 15, 2010 at 9:33 am

I have a male friend I’ve been “not dating” for five months now. I say it that way because we met on a dating site online and we spend a lot of time together—but we’ve never held hands, kissed, or done anything else remotely physically intimate. You might be sitting there thinking, “Then that’s a friend.” Well, yes, but the difference is that there’s an underlying attraction—on both sides.

All of my life, I have attracted male friends. Right off the top of my head, I can come up with nearly a dozen names of male friends I currently have. But those are just friends. Some are married, for others there’s not mutual attraction, and with some we both know it would be a poor match. There, it’s all pretty clear cut.

When Harry Met Sally…: men and women can’t be friends, part 1

In the above clip from my favorite movie, Harry explains that men and women can never be friends because the sex thing always gets in the way. When they meet up later, Harry amends the previous rule by saying that, when men and women are in relationships with other people, they can be friends because the pressure is removed:

When Harry Met Sally…,: men and women can’t be friends, part 2

My male friend and I are in the first scenario: we are great friends AND we find each other attractive. Yet… nothing.

I’ve only had a couple of male friends where we’ve fit the situation I currently have. With an old high school friend, he declined crossing that line for fear of ever-changing our relationship. I tried every time we saw each other for a number of years, and he continued to rebuke my advances. I put him into “brother” category, and he and I are still great friends.

Now, though, it’s different. I see this man two to three times a week, we talk on the phone a number of times each week, and both our personal and professional lives have intertwined. All of the lines are blurred—except one.

I brought this all up last night—even the “When Harry Met Sally…” snippets. He said he thought about it too; essentially, we ARE dating, but with no sex. He jokingly said it’s kind of like we’re married. In fact, it kind of is. He’ll say things that have happened to him and expects me to know the details, as a husband would question a wife. I don’t know about you, but I really liked being married, and the physical intimacy was a good portion of that. Now, I fight back the urge to hold this man’s hand or snuggle with him on the couch as we’re watching a movie.

Then, there are the mixed signals. The other night, I leaned over, touched his arm, and said, “Thank you for dinner.” His response: “Thank you for everything.” We were out late recently and at his house, when he said, “You’re welcome to stay here—for a lot of reasons.” Anyone? Am I crazy to be confused? I did mention these points to him, and he said he had recently realized he was sending mixed signals and he apologized. I’ve sent those signals too, and it’s usually because I was on the fence about where I wanted things to go. But he says he doesn’t ruminate about this situation like I do. Ugh!

I would guess that men have this issue often, with their female friends planting them firmly in the friend category, never to be elevated to anything more. It’s pretty new to me, though, especially with such a good friend. This man is the person I want to talk to when something big happens. I really enjoy his company. We have similar views on so many topics. He’s sweet to my son, which is a huge thing for me. He’s a gentleman. He’s attractive, in a Clark Kent kind of way. And he has a hairy chest, which completely weakens my knees. I care deeply for him, yet I’m considering ending our friendship to allow me the room to find a man with whom I can build something more than friendship. What are your thoughts?

“The Love Dare”: Love is kind

  • August 7, 2010 at 10:08 am

The saying “You catch more bees with honey….” couldn’t be more true in interpersonal relationships. Kindness should be at the root of your communications and the way in which you relate to everyone—friends, lovers, and strangers alike.

Today’s dare is to complete at least one unexpected gesture of kindness toward your spouse. Patience is preventative, while kindness is proactive. When you are kind, people want to be around you; you’re more agreeable and a welcome presence. The Love Dare breaks kindness down into four base core ingredients: gentleness, helpfulness, willingness, and initiative (p. 6-7). The kind person seeks out opportunities to show love, rather than just saying it. Actions certainly do speak louder than words.

At the beginning of relationships, we put on our “game face” and go out of our way to be nice to the person we’re courting. Unfortunately, though, once the relationship is secure, we tend to take it for granted. We tell our partners what to do, we assume they will provide for us—and we forget to be thankful, ask for assistance, and help them first.

When I was a kid, my mother used to call me out on this at home. She would say, “I wish you would treat me like a stranger; you’re nice to them.” She was right. I didn’t treat her with kindness, and I saw myself doing that later in intimate relationships. “Did you take out the trash? Why haven’t you put away your dishes?” Assumptions are not kind, and they don’t do much to warm up a relationship.

As you go through today, check yourself. Are you kind to the people you encounter? Do you hold the door and say thank you? Remember that honey when in doubt; you may find yourself leaving a positive impression—AND feeling better about yourself.